In a bold and legally questionable move, New Zealand has officially charged Dr. Anthony Fauci with 107,000 counts of murder for allegedly “manufacturing the pandemic.” The shocking indictment was announced by New Zealand’s Prime Minister, Joe Barron, who assured the public that while the numbers “don’t exactly add up,” the “vibe” of the case is very strong.

The announcement immediately sent shockwaves through the international legal community, mostly because New Zealand only reported 2,550 COVID-related deaths in total—a minor detail that the prosecution insists is “beside the point.”

Justice Minister Has ADHD, Just Rolling With It

Leading the charge against Fauci is New Zealand’s Justice Minister, Colin McDoogle, a man whose commitment to the case is only slightly hindered by his undiagnosed ADHD.

At a press conference, McDoogle attempted to explain the legal theory behind the 107,000 murder charges, but got distracted halfway through and spent five minutes talking about his favorite energy drink flavors.

“Look, 2,550 deaths may not sound like a lot,” McDoogle said, staring intensely at the microphone. “But we calculated 107,000 based on… um… hold on, I wrote this down somewhere…” He then proceeded to shuffle through 37 crumpled pieces of paper before finding the grocery list he meant to give his wife.

“Right, so anyway, it’s a lot of murders. Fauci did it. Probably. Where was I?”

New Zealand’s Rock-Solid Legal Strategy

Despite the mathematical difficulties, Prime Minister Joe Barron is standing by the charges, explaining that Fauci’s role in the pandemic was clear and that “he just looks like the kind of guy who would do something like this.”

The official legal argument presented by New Zealand prosecutors includes:

  • Fauci wears glasses, and so do a lot of villains in movies.
  • New Zealand had to deal with COVID lockdowns, and it was annoying.
  • At least three people on Facebook have “evidence” that Fauci created the virus in a basement lab using a cauldron.
  • The Justice Minister really needs something big on his résumé because he forgot to finish law school.

Additionally, a key witness in the case is a man named Barry “The Truth” Henderson, a self-described “pandemic researcher” who gets all of his news from YouTube thumbnails and screenshots of deleted tweets.

“Fauci knew what he was doing,” Barry stated. “And if you look at this blurry image I printed out, you can clearly see… hold on, I printed the wrong thing, this is just a meme of a dog in a tinfoil hat. But trust me, he’s guilty.”

What’s Next for Fauci?

Despite New Zealand’s aggressive stance, U.S. officials have not taken the charges seriously, with one White House spokesperson reportedly laughing so hard that they had to be escorted out of a briefing.

Meanwhile, Dr. Fauci himself has responded, stating simply:

“I’ve never even been to New Zealand.”

The trial is set to begin in “whenever Colin McDoogle remembers to schedule it,” but sources say there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll get distracted and start a completely different case instead.

Stay tuned, America.