WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Government Expenditures (DOGE) has uncovered yet another baffling use of taxpayer funds—a $6 million federal grant awarded to Whoopi Goldberg to “promote diversity” on The View. According to official documents, the funds were earmarked for “enhancing inclusive dialogue, fostering ideological variety, and ensuring a broad spectrum of perspectives.”

What actually happened, however, was a spectacle of government-funded absurdity.

The Diversity Initiative

Upon receiving the grant, Whoopi immediately rolled out a five-point plan to increase The View’s diversity. Unfortunately, none of it made much sense.

1. Hiring a Parrot to Represent Conservative Viewpoints

To address complaints that The View lacked ideological balance, Whoopi hired a parrot named “Ronald Reagan Jr.” to sit at the end of the table and squawk random conservative catchphrases.

  • During heated debates, the parrot would chime in with phrases like “Taxation is theft!” and “Build the wall!”
  • At one point, the bird repeatedly screeched “Fake news!” until it was escorted off the set by security.
  • When asked about the decision to replace an actual conservative panelist with a bird, Whoopi stated, “Honestly, this is an improvement.”

2. Mandatory Tie-Dye Wednesdays

As part of the diversity initiative, all panelists were required to wear tie-dye shirts every Wednesday to symbolize unity and collective expression.

  • Joy Behar complied but insisted her tie-dye be blood red to “symbolize the death of logic.”
  • Sunny Hostin wore hers but added sequins to maintain an air of superiority.
  • Sara Haines attempted to participate but was reprimanded for not looking “passionately progressive enough” in tie-dye.

3. A Daily Segment Called “Apologize to Whoopi”

A major portion of the grant was used to fund a new daily segment in which random public figures were forced to apologize to Whoopi Goldberg—whether they had done anything wrong or not.

  • Past guests included Elon Musk, who apologized for owning too many companies.
  • Tom Brady was made to apologize for “not understanding the struggles of short quarterbacks.”
  • A confused six-year-old from Wisconsin was invited on-air to apologize for drawing a turkey that Whoopi found “problematic.”

4. Removing All Commercial Breaks to Allow More Uninterrupted Yelling

With part of the $6 million grant, Whoopi negotiated a “no commercial breaks” policy for The View, ensuring that no argument could be cut off prematurely.

  • The first four-hour uninterrupted argument about pumpkin spice latte cultural appropriation set a world record for longest televised shouting match.
  • At one point, Whoopi simply yelled, “We need more yelling!”, which led to Joy Behar installing a bullhorn under the desk.

Where Did the Money Go?

Despite these bold initiatives, it remains unclear how most of the $6 million was actually spent. A leaked financial report shows that:

  • $1.2 million went toward custom designer robes for Whoopi so she could look “like a wise oracle of truth.”
  • $700,000 was spent on a gold-plated coffee machine that only brews “progressive espresso.”
  • $500,000 was allocated to therapy puppies for panelists who became “overwhelmed by conservative opinions.”

Final Verdict

When asked whether the $6 million grant achieved its intended goal, DOGE auditors responded with a collective sigh and a statement:

“We’ve seen some ridiculous uses of taxpayer money before, but this might be the first time someone got paid millions to actively make a show LESS diverse.”