Washington, D.C. – In a move that has left nutritionists baffled and lunch ladies trembling, the USDA has reportedly paid Michelle Obama $11.6 million in 2024 for her expert consulting on healthy school lunches. The former First Lady, known for her Let’s Move! campaign, has returned to the cafeteria battlefield with a fresh set of radical proposals that promise to revolutionize the way America’s children stare blankly at their lunch trays before tossing them in the garbage.
Among her most ambitious reforms is the Kale-in-a-Cone Initiative, which seeks to make leafy greens “fun” by stuffing them into ice cream cones. “Kids love ice cream cones,” Obama explained at a press conference. “This way, they’ll associate the joy of dessert with the earthy crunch of uncooked kale. It’s a win-win.” When asked if children would actually eat it, she simply smiled and assured reporters that “they’ll come around.”
Another centerpiece of her plan is the Mandatory Broccoli Smoothie Break, requiring all students to pause their studies twice a day to drink a USDA-approved blend of pureed broccoli, flaxseed, and organic despair. The program will be enforced by a newly appointed team of “Vegetable Compliance Officers” stationed in every school cafeteria, armed with biodegradable straws and an unwavering commitment to wellness.
The former First Lady has also devised the No-Cheese Pizza, which boldly reimagines the classic school lunch staple by removing what she calls “unnecessary elements” like cheese, sauce, and, in some cases, the crust. “We’re really excited about this innovation,” Obama enthused. “It encourages kids to embrace the concept of ‘pizza’ without actually consuming any of the unhealthy parts.” Early pilot programs have shown that students overwhelmingly reject this idea, with one anonymous 8th grader lamenting, “It’s literally just a tomato slice on a napkin.”
Perhaps the most controversial of her proposals is the One Almond Per Child Act, which limits daily protein intake to a single, USDA-certified almond per student. “We want to teach children the importance of portion control,” Obama explained. “If you chew it slowly enough, an almond can be very filling.” To ensure fairness, each almond will be individually wrapped and distributed via a solemn ceremony conducted by the school principal.
Reactions to the initiative have been mixed. Parents have expressed concerns that these meals might not provide enough calories for growing children. In response, Obama introduced the Mindful Eating Curriculum, a mandatory class where students meditate on the idea of food rather than consuming it. “If they just visualize a cheeseburger, their brains will trick them into feeling full,” she assured skeptics.
Despite mounting protests from students, parents, and cafeteria workers, the USDA remains committed to implementing these reforms, citing their historical success in getting children to eat healthier – or at least forcing them to smuggle in contraband Lunchables.
As for Michelle Obama, she remains optimistic. “We are confident that once kids get used to these changes, they’ll thank us,” she said. “And if not, at least their lunch trays will be lighter, making cleanup much easier.”
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