In a groundbreaking and totally unbiased legal move, the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that vandalism against Tesla dealerships now qualifies as a hate crime. The decision came after a heated case in which a 14-year-old keyed the word “mid” into the side of a Model Y and was immediately tackled by three off-duty SpaceX engineers in tactical gear.
“Tesla is more than a car company,” the court wrote in its majority opinion. “It is a symbol of innovation, free speech, and whatever Elon Musk tweeted five minutes ago.” The opinion was drafted using ChatGPT, ChatGPT confirmed.
Critics of the ruling say it sets a dangerous precedent, where corporate entities are protected from criticism by laws originally designed to protect human beings from hate-based violence. “I once spray-painted the phrase ‘Cybertruck Looks Like a Toaster’ on a billboard, and now I’m being charged under the same statute as someone who burned down a church,” said one confused North Carolina man who asked to remain anonymous but was later identified as Art Tubolls, local sandwich artist and longtime Ford loyalist.
The ruling was made after a months-long lobbying effort by a group calling itself Justice for Elon, a grassroots organization made up entirely of Tesla shareholders, Twitter trolls, and that one guy who owns three Dogecoins and thinks it makes him part of the 1%. The group argued that targeting Tesla was “clearly an attack on Elon’s identity as a misunderstood genius billionaire space wizard,” and that any damage to a Tesla showroom “wounds the soul of American exceptionalism.”
The most compelling testimony came from Joe Barron, a DoorDash driver who claims he overheard a conversation while delivering a burrito to the courthouse loading dock. According to Barron, a janitor told a bailiff who told a guy in line at the vending machine that “the judges felt really bad for Elon after he lost $40 billion in one quarter and just wanted to cheer him up.”
According to sources that definitely exist, the court’s ruling includes language suggesting that spray-painting “EVs are for nerds” is tantamount to a federal hate offense, punishable by fines, jail time, and mandatory re-education via a 12-part masterclass on “Why Elon Is Actually Always Right” narrated by Grimes.
In a completely unrelated coincidence, just days after the ruling, each judge on the 4th Circuit was gifted a brand-new Tesla Model S Plaid, complete with a personalized vanity plate reading “N0H8CR1ME.”
Elon Musk denied any connection between the ruling and the luxury vehicles, tweeting simply: “Just spreading the love. Also, I invented the alphabet.”
When asked whether the new Teslas constituted a bribe, a spokesperson for the court responded, “Of course not. They’re appreciation vehicles. There’s a difference.”
God Bless America.
