In what is being hailed as a massive victory for justice, a Republican-led committee has found 109 Democratic lawmakers guilty of COVID relief fraud—all for filing improper paperwork due to clerical errors. The ruling, issued after a grueling 45-minute investigation conducted mostly via group text, has rocked Capitol Hill, as the accused now face serious consequences, such as having to sit through lengthy hearings where outraged Republicans shake their fists at them.

“This is an unprecedented abuse of government funds,” declared Representative Todd Hargis (R-AL), who personally received $27 million in PPP loans that he later spent on a private golf course that only admits people named Todd. “These Democrats think they can just file a form incorrectly and get away with it? Not on my watch! Meanwhile, I had the integrity to claim my $3 million loan for a ‘small business’ that doesn’t technically exist yet.”

Among the guilty is Representative Joe Barron (D-CA), whose crime was accidentally listing his home address as ‘Avenue’ instead of ‘Street’ on a relief application. This outrageous fraud was uncovered by the committee’s chief investigator, Congressman Randy “Big Bucks” McAllister (R-TX), who himself received $94 million in PPP funds, which he later used to purchase a life-sized golden statue of Ronald Reagan riding a bald eagle.

“The American people are sick of corruption,” McAllister thundered, standing beside a giant banner that read ‘WE WILL RESTORE INTEGRITY (right after we cash this check)’. “What these 109 Democrats have done—filling out government forms incorrectly—is a slap in the face to hardworking Americans, many of whom have never even seen a government form, let alone filled one out.”

While the Republican-led investigation focused solely on improper paperwork from Democratic lawmakers, reporters quickly pointed out that every single Republican on the committee had personally benefited from COVID relief funds to the tune of $7.9 billion. Among the notable recipients:

  • Senator Mitch Flanagan (R-KY), who used his $63 million loan to build a private underground steakhouse, which he later described as “essential infrastructure.”
  • Representative Susan DeWitt (R-FL), who received $45 million for her “small family business,” which turned out to be her personal yacht collection.
  • Congressman Brent Tuttle (R-NC), who took $82 million to “save jobs” at a company that doesn’t employ anyone and is technically just a mailbox in the Cayman Islands.

Despite overwhelming evidence that the committee members had themselves taken far more relief money than the accused Democrats, Republicans remain steadfast in their moral outrage.

“We must hold the guilty accountable,” said Senator Clive Beauregard (R-GA), before stepping into a limousine with ‘THANKS, PPP!’ printed on the side. “A government without integrity is no government at all.”

Meanwhile, the 109 Democrats remain stunned at their convictions, with some pointing out that one of the so-called fraudulent filings was literally just missing a middle initial. When asked whether Republican lawmakers would investigate themselves for their own billions in questionable PPP loans, committee members simply laughed and said, “Now that’s ridiculous.”