Whoopi Goldberg’s Agent Found Dead

Sandra Batt, the erstwhile talent agent responsible for numerous clients at the Ebony Actors Studio including Whoopi Goldberg, was found dead last night in her Queef Lake, Virginia home.  She was 41 years old.

Batt had been responsible for a host of Hollywood’s biggest and brightest stars, from handling Marvel Studios entertainer Chadwick Bozeman to CNN voice James Earl Jones.  Goldberg had been a late addition to her stable after the death of Goldberg’s precious agent, Jeffrey Epstein.

Police inspectors claim to have found Batt in her home after a smoky scent had been discovered by one of her neighbors, who wished to remain anonymous.  The neighbor, Janey Talia, spoke to journalists from ALLOD.

“There was a little smoke and a smell like someone had burnt a buch of those little charcoal worms that you get for the fourth of July.  You know those?  Anyway, I barged right in immediately and found her in the kitchen.  Then I called the police after making myself a hot sauce, ham, and jalapeno sandwich.”

According to authorities, Batt had consumed a full two-liter of Mountain Dew, followed by six packets of the popular candy treat “Pop Rocks”.  The resulting chemical reaction blew her entire stomach directly out of her asshole.

Police are not ruling out that the scene looks like an apparent suicide, and have cordoned off the area to the public.