Hollywood legend, daytime talk show host, and expert in unsolicited political rants, Whoopi Goldberg, has once again proven that being famous comes with perks the average American can only dream of. Reports have surfaced that Goldberg received a staggering $4.3 million in FEMA relief funds for her “devastating loss” in the Los Angeles wildfires—despite the fact that the property in question was a two-bedroom beach house valued at just $1.2 million.
That’s right, folks. Not only did FEMA allegedly overpay by more than triple the actual value of the home, but they also threw in a multi-million-dollar bonus for what Goldberg described as “severe emotional distress” caused by the tragedy of having to consider staying at one of her other properties.
The Emotional Toll of Being Mildly Inconvenienced
According to documents leaked by an anonymous source who once worked as a janitor at a Denny’s where a FEMA official was overheard bragging about it, Whoopi’s claim included a detailed breakdown of her emotional suffering.
- $750,000 for “General Anxiety” – Whoopi reportedly experienced extreme stress while watching news coverage of the fire from the safety of her New York penthouse.
- $1.1 million for “Lost Nostalgia” – FEMA officials agreed that the emotional devastation of losing a vacation home she rarely visited warranted a hefty payout.
- $900,000 for “Disruptions in Energy Flow” – A spiritual healer hired by Goldberg confirmed that her chakra alignment was permanently thrown off by the incident.
- $500,000 for “Television-Related Trauma” – The View was preempted one morning by live fire coverage, forcing Whoopi to reschedule a planned rant about Elon Musk.
- $750,000 for “Miscellaneous Grievances” – Because why not?
FEMA: “We Just Handed Her a Check and Hoped for the Best”
A FEMA spokesperson who refused to give their real name but went by ‘Joe Barron’ defended the payout, stating:
“Look, Whoopi is a national treasure. If we can send billions overseas for who-knows-what, the least we can do is help out an American icon suffering the unthinkable tragedy of possibly losing a second-tier vacation home.”
“Plus, it’s Whoopi Goldberg,” Barron added. “She was in Sister Act. What are we supposed to do? Say no?”
Goldberg’s Next Steps: “I Might Sue for More”
Despite receiving more money than most Americans make in several lifetimes, Whoopi has reportedly consulted legal counsel on whether she deserves even more for the sheer “pain of reliving the trauma every time she thinks about the beach.”
“It’s not about the money,” Goldberg said in an exclusive interview with Art Tubolls, a journalist who no one can confirm actually exists. “It’s about justice.”
Meanwhile, real victims of the LA fires are still waiting for their FEMA checks—which, if history is any indication, should arrive sometime in the next decade.
God Bless America.