WASHINGTON, D.C. – In another totally normal and completely justifiable use of taxpayer money, USAID awarded Malia Obama $2.6 million in 2022 for “consulting services”—on major geopolitical crises that, upon further review, did not actually happen in our reality.
Government records show that Malia was paid as an expert consultant on a series of world-changing events that exist only in an alternate timeline, a forgotten simulation, or possibly just inside a USAID official’s fever dream.
The “Crises” Malia Consulted On
A recently declassified report from USAID reveals that Malia Obama provided invaluable expertise on the following history-defining events that never occurred:
- The Great Canada-Texas Border Dispute (2022) – Malia was allegedly instrumental in negotiating peace after a heated territorial conflict between the Canadian province of Alberta and the entire state of Texas. Her groundbreaking recommendation? Both sides should “chill out” and “consider sharing a Whataburger.” Historians have confirmed that this dispute never took place, nor do Alberta and Texas share a border.
- The New Jersey Pirate Uprising (2023) – USAID reports that Malia consulted extensively on how to de-radicalize the armed pirate factions that allegedly took control of Atlantic City. Her solution? A public art program and mandatory poetry slams. Oddly, there is no record of New Jersey being overrun by pirates, though some experts argue that the Jersey Shore cast may have inspired the confusion.
- The 2022 Moon Crisis – USAID paid Malia $600,000 to advise NASA after the moon supposedly went “missing” for three full days. Her official recommendation was to “check behind Saturn” and “ask the aliens to return it if they borrowed it.” Astronomers confirm that the moon has never disappeared, but they appreciate Malia’s concern.
- The Time-Travel Refugee Crisis (2022-2024) – According to USAID records, Malia was the leading voice on policy for helping millions of displaced time-travelers who arrived in 2022 after an interdimensional rift opened behind a Costco. Her consulting memo recommended “offering them jobs in progressive think tanks” and “making them delete spoilers for future movies.” Officials now acknowledge that this event never happened, though they remain open to the possibility.
White House Defends the Spending
When asked about the questionable nature of Malia’s consulting work, a White House spokesperson dismissed the controversy, stating:
“It’s called forward-thinking governance. Just because these crises didn’t happen in this reality doesn’t mean they weren’t real to someone—possibly in a parallel dimension or a particularly vivid dream.”
Malia Responds
When reached for comment, Malia Obama expressed pride in her work, explaining:
“Look, if I stopped just one intergalactic war, wasn’t it all worth it?”
At press time, USAID was reportedly considering awarding Malia another $1.3 million to consult on the potential dangers of ghosts gaining voting rights.