“We’d Rather Solve Problems, Like Veterans Existing”
In a bold and groundbreaking move nobody asked for, the Trump administration announced today it would not be recognizing June as “Pride Month,” nor would it waste a single penny of federal money on it. Because if there’s anything this country needs right now, it’s less celebrating and more grumbling about how the world is too “woke.”
Karoline Leavitt, proud MAGA intern turned Communications Director, made the stunning announcement while somehow keeping a straight face. “President Trump doesn’t feel as though spending $200 million on festivals, parades, and basic human dignity for less than 7 percent of the population makes any sense,” she said.
Instead, Trump and his brain trust decided the money would be better spent “solving homelessness among veterans” — a problem they absolutely plan to get around to eventually, right after they finish hosting rallies and complaining about shower heads.
In related news, pigs have not yet taken flight, and Trump’s Make Veterans Great Again initiative has so far produced roughly the same results as Biden’s thought process during a sentence.
Conservatives immediately broke their arms patting themselves on the back, congratulating President Trump for “taking a stand against wokeness” by ensuring that nobody felt seen, recognized, or slightly festive in the month of June. Mission accomplished, America.
“This is how you take your country back,” said noted patriot Joe Barron between Facebook posts about how kids today don’t even know what a carburetor is. “You stop wasting taxpayer money on rainbows and spend it on what matters: bumper stickers and commemorative coins.”
Meanwhile, liberals reacted with their usual theatrics — you know, insisting that maybe marginalized people should have a month where they aren’t openly mocked by the government. Outrageous.
“How DARE they prioritize veterans over our GOD-GIVEN right to force everyone to celebrate Pride!” shrieked Art Tubolls, wearing a sequined Uncle Sam hat and sobbing into a biodegradable tissue.
Of course, nobody bothered to mention that the federal government could fund Pride and help veterans if it spent slightly less on things like bombing sand dunes in the Middle East. But it’s much easier to pretend it’s one or the other when you need a scapegoat for why your policies haven’t actually helped anyone.
Leavitt doubled down, saying, “Pride Month isn’t canceled, it’s just…better managed. If you want a parade, pay for it yourself. Like a bake sale. Or OnlyFans.”
As for Trump? He reportedly celebrated the announcement by eating two Big Macs in one sitting and declaring June “Old-School Patriot Month,” complete with mandatory standing for Lee Greenwood songs and a government-issued six-pack of Bud Light — but only the new, un-woke kind.
God Bless America, and God forbid anyone have fun without permission from a 78-year-old man in a red hat.