Ted Cruz Has Daughter Arrested

Senator Raphael Edward “Ted” Cruz from the great state of Texas has been through a lot.  During his doomed campaign for President in 2016, he was maliciously attacked and embarrassed by eventual victor Donald Trump, was brutally accosted by his longtime neighbor, and later contracted Penismallow’s Syndrome, a terrible disease affecting his private parts.

Now, his daughter, Caroline, who’s identity is being withheld due to her age, was rushed to the hospital last night with self-inflicted stab wounds to her body, say friends of the family.  She is reportedly bisexual.

Following her release this morning, Cruz did the right thing and had police again, journey to his residence, to have the child arrested and charged with malicious mischief, attempted suicide, and unfastening her purity wimple without proper permission.  She is being held on a seven million dollar bond.

Cruz spoke briefly to ALLOD’s Joe Barron this afternoon on the arrest and his parenting skills

“Look, this little gay ass nudnik has been a thorn in my side since she was born.  Who’d have thunk that one night of banging my wife Heidi through a tiny hole in her nightgown could bring such stress and disruption.  Let her stew for awhile and learn her lesson.”

Caroline is reportedly doing well in her incarceration, as it keeps her far far away from the human piece of shit that is her father.