Trump Secures 17 Sponsors, Including Chik-Fil-A, Hobby Lobby

In the mere 48 hours since former twice impeached President Donald J. Trump made his announcement speech about entering the riproaring race for 2024’s White House, he has raised a record breaking 4.5 billion dollars in funds.  And there’s more coming.

Wasting absolutely no time, the Marmelade Mastadon has begun going after sponsors next, combing the corporations, like the most forthright For-Profit-President since Gene Simmons.  Wait, is Gene Simmons the President of KISS?WE

Anyway, faster than you can say “The Art of the Deal”, sponsors have already been secured at a breakneck pace.  Trump spoke to a representitive of each company himself, asking the appropriate questions and locking in perfect dollar amounts.

Sandy Batt, lead spokeschicken for Chik-Fil-A enterprises says the former and never again President with no chance in hell was very magnanimous and knowledgeable.

“For the first half hour, he kept demanding to speak to ‘The Colonel’, but once I convinced him that we were the prissy pants shitty chicken chain, he became very warm.  He asked me about my measurements, if I’d ever done any nude modeling, how I felt about blumpkins.  Charming man.”

All in all, the Trump 2024 campaign secured over 25 dollars from the chain.  Similar obligations came from scrapbooking giant Hobby Lobby, horsemeat purveyor Olive Garden, and mouthed-dildo manufacturer Fleshlight.

A veritable who’s who of your favorite companies are standing firmly with their penises against Trump’s butt entrance.  Are YOU?