Roseanne Challenges Whoopi to Celebrity Boxing Match

Ladies and gentlemen.  May I direct your attention to the center ring.  You may be about to see the greatest event of your lifetime.

In the red corner, weighing in at 331 pounds, is the champion, the Conservative Beast from the Liberal East, the Voice of No Choice, the Lumpy Frump on the Payback Stump, your heavyweight champion, Roseanne!

And in the blue corner, weighing in at a devastating 188 pounds, the Queen of Aberdeen, the Negro We All Know, Chairwoman of the Board of Ten Forward, the challenger, Whoopi Goldberg.

That’s right.  Roseanne has challenged Whoopi Goldberg to a celebrity boxing match on April the thirty-first.  All proceeds will be donated to Donald Trump’s legal defense fund.

Scheduled to take place in the Sandra Batt Arena in Queefblastery, Washington, it’s a hell of a hullabaloo.  Both of the future fighters took a moment in front of the cameras for a little good old fashioned trash talking.

“I will beat that nappy-headed old rumor monger into a stain,” said Roseanne triumphantly, biting into a sugar-covered veal-stuffed donut.  “Then I will sit on her until the lights go out.  She’s gonna need old Joe’s wheelchair after that!”

Whoopi, for her part, gave a damning reply.

“That fat old nobody is wayyyyy past her prime and won’t see me coming.  I’ll orbit her like a moon and then Thanos the bitch into next week.  This is gonna be like a porcupine versus a parade balloon.  To quote Magnitude, Rosy ; Pop Pop.”

The event promises to be brutal.  Set your streaming services to pain and let’s all get ready to rumble!