In what can only be described as a bold and completely non-ironic move, Senator Rick Scott has been tapped to lead the newly formed Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) Congressional Committee to investigate waste, fraud, and corruption in federal agencies. Yes, the same Rick Scott who oversaw the largest Medicare fraud case in history will now be the government’s top watchdog against fraud. What could go wrong?
The Fraud Nobody Saw Coming (Because Nobody Was Looking)
The committee has already uncovered a staggering $947 billion in alleged fraud, waste, and abuse—because, apparently, the entire federal budget has been running on Monopoly money. Among the most egregious examples:
- Joe Barron’s $8 Million Stapler Budget – As a mid-level paper-pusher in an obscure government office, Barron somehow managed to approve an annual budget of $8 million for staplers—most of which, according to sources, were gold-plated and laser-engraved with his initials. When questioned, Barron shrugged and said, “Paperwork is important.”
- The $112 Billion Underwater Post Office – A rural town in Nebraska reportedly spent over $112 billion constructing a fully operational underwater post office—despite being located 600 miles from the nearest ocean. The facility remains empty because, as one anonymous source admitted, “nobody thought about the fact that mail trucks don’t have snorkels.”
- The Pentagon’s $74 Million “Tactical Couches” – An audit revealed that the Pentagon spent $74 million on “tactical couches”—leather sofas allegedly designed for combat operations. However, tests showed they provided no additional protection and, in one case, actually caught fire during a routine meeting.
- NASA’s $225 Million “Moonlight Simulator” – Documents show that NASA spent $225 million developing a “Moonlight Simulator” to help astronauts adjust to lunar conditions. Unfortunately, engineers later realized they could have just gone outside at night for free.
Rick Scott: The Perfect Man for the Job?
While Scott claims he is committed to cleaning up government waste, critics remain skeptical. After all, this is the same man whose former company paid $1.7 billion in fines for Medicare fraud—a fact that makes his appointment feel like putting a raccoon in charge of the food pantry.
Nevertheless, the committee, which also includes Art Tubolls, a former procurement officer turned whistleblower, insists that the American people deserve accountability. “If we don’t stop this wasteful spending now,” Tubolls warned, “the government might accidentally approve another $43 billion grant for a hamster ballet school.”
What’s Next?
The DOGE committee has vowed to get to the bottom of these fraudulent expenditures—or at least make a big show of it before quietly moving on. The next round of hearings is expected to feature testimony from Joe Barron, who now claims he needs an additional $2.3 million for ‘premium paperclips.’
At press time, Rick Scott had accidentally signed off on another $14 billion in wasteful spending after mistaking a budget report for his lunch order.