Pelosi to Sue for Millions in Severance

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is leaving, but not without a cushy parachute.

The first ever woman Speaker has sent notice to Congressional leaders that she expects to be adequately compensated for her time, energy, and achievements through a comprehensive severance package that will keep her and her husband Paul in a sea of fancy ice cream for the remainder of their lives.

Pelosi’s personal law firm, Batt, Batt, and Barron will be taking lead in the negotiations, legally pushing for a huge multi-million dollar settlement.  The next house Speaker, theoretically, Kevin McCarthy, will receive only thirty-five dollars a week for his freshman efforts.

“It isn’t fair at all,” McCarthy complained to his Chihuahua Clumpy.  “I’m taking over for her and investigating Hunter’s mythical laptop, and that’s the thanks I get?  This is important work!”

Nevertheless, Congress is taking the lawsuit seriously.  Pelosi has accomplished a wealth of actions, and has suffered massive indignation from the Trump crowd and moronic conservatives in general, many of whom eat paint chips and wander the mumu aisle at Walmart aimlessly.

“Those idiots are about to be MY constituency,” McCarthy moaned aloud outside of the local masturbation hut.  “What am I supposed to do?  The moonwalk?”