In what legal scholars are calling “the most important case since someone sued McDonald’s for hot coffee,” former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi has convened a grand jury to investigate the malicious prosecution of President Donald J. Trump.
Her case, which legal experts describe as “completely airtight, assuming you don’t know how laws work,” aims to bring criminal charges against anyone who has ever hurt Trump’s feelings, looked at him funny, or failed to say he has the best hair in politics.
And heading up the case? None other than U.S. Attorney Joe Barron of the 16th District Court of Greenland—a position that technically does not exist but is being treated as totally legitimate by Bondi’s legal team.
The Charges: A Legal Masterpiece
Bondi’s grand jury filing outlines a series of groundbreaking charges, including but not limited to:
- Felony Disrespect of a Former President – Accusing Trump of anything, even if it’s true.
- Misdemeanor Hurt Feelings in the First Degree – Not properly complimenting Trump’s golf swing.
- Aggravated Ego Sabotage – Failing to call him a “very stable genius” at least twice a day.
- Collusion with Mean People – Having ever used the words “indictment” and “Trump” in the same sentence.
- Obstruction of Super Awesome Leadership – Suggesting that someone else might have been a better president.
“This is about justice,” Bondi declared in a 45-minute speech that mostly consisted of insults toward anyone who has ever said anything bad about Trump.
“We will not stand by while the Deep State, the Fake News, and people who wear skinny jeans continue their relentless attacks on the greatest president of all time, possibly in all of history—maybe even bigger than Lincoln, who let’s be honest, had some issues.”
U.S. Attorney Joe Barron Steps In
To ensure a fair trial in an unbiased venue, Bondi has selected Joe Barron, U.S. Attorney for the 16th District Court of Greenland, to prosecute the case.
When asked why the case was being tried in Greenland, Bondi shouted “Next question!” and ran out of the room.
Barron, who has reportedly never practiced law but once read half of a John Grisham novel, promised to bring swift justice to those who have dared to question, prosecute, or even mildly criticize Trump.
“The evidence is overwhelming,” Barron stated. “I have here a stack of 200 tweets from Trump himself that prove everything. Also, this official-looking document, which may or may not be a Denny’s receipt, clearly implicates everyone from Hillary Clinton to the guy who runs CNN.”
Final Thoughts
While legal experts are skeptical that the case will go anywhere, Bondi insists that “justice will be served”—as soon as she figures out how to get a subpoena to the entire FBI, CNN, and possibly Barack Obama’s dog.
Meanwhile, Trump has issued a statement calling the case “the biggest, most important legal victory in history”—despite the fact that no one has actually been charged yet.
God Bless America.