NEW YORK CITY – One of the many hotels in New York rented by the Biden administration to house migrants has reported over $3 million in damages, with costs estimated by none other than DOGE (Department of Government Efficiency), the well-known auditing division recently acquired by billionaire Elon Musk as part of his ongoing mission to “inject meme-based logic into federal spending.”
A government official, speaking under the condition of anonymity (but suspiciously wearing a SpaceX hoodie), confirmed the staggering damages, saying, “This is why we can’t have taxpayer-funded nice things.”
The Breakdown of $3 Million in Damages
According to DOGE’s detailed report, the most expensive damages included:
- $750,000 for “advanced carpet distress” – Hotel carpets reportedly absorbed culturally diverse spills, including “an unidentified but pungent soup” that required a special NASA-designed extraction process to remove.
- $620,000 for “vandalized ice machines” – Migrants allegedly kept pressing the ice button even after the machine was empty, leading to emotional distress for the appliance, which now requires therapy.
- $480,000 for “feral pigeon infestation” – A group of migrants allegedly befriended pigeons, treating them as emotional support animals and feeding them inside the hotel. The pigeons have now unionized and demand housing rights of their own.
- $395,000 for “elevator misuse” – Some migrants, unfamiliar with American elevator etiquette, reportedly pressed all buttons at once, causing the elevators to experience existential dread and shut down permanently.
- $285,000 for “unauthorized bidet experiments” – Plumbers discovered that bidets had been converted into makeshift fountains in an attempt to “recreate the soothing ambiance of ancient bathhouses.”
- $250,000 for “mysterious goat-related damages” – Security footage allegedly shows two goats wandering the hallways at 3 a.m., but their point of entry remains unknown. Investigators believe they may have been summoned by accident during an impromptu cultural ritual.
- $120,000 for “psychological damages to hotel staff” – Several hotel employees are now suffering from PTSD after hearing unfamiliar lullabies at strange hours, described as “soothing yet deeply haunting.” Therapy is covered under the damages claim.
- $100,000 for “missing TV remotes” – Despite strict remote-tracking policies, all television remotes have disappeared into a black hole of migrant ingenuity. DOGE analysts suspect they were repurposed into a sophisticated bartering system.
DOGE Justifies the Pricing
In a press conference, DOGE representative Todd Winklestein (who suspiciously resembles a Tesla intern) explained the pricing rationale:
“All our calculations are based on the time-honored Muskian principle of ‘vibes-based accounting.’ If Twitter is worth $44 billion, then replacing a culturally compromised carpet for three-quarters of a million is totally reasonable.”
When asked for comment, Elon Musk tweeted a single Shiba Inu emoji followed by the phrase “Hotel rug restoration is the future.”
Biden Administration Responds
The White House issued a statement saying they “will review the damages,” but also emphasized their commitment to “helping every human being—even those who break ice machines emotionally.”
At press time, DOGE had revised the damages estimate to $3.6 million after discovering one of the hotel paintings was slightly crooked.