FBI Hiring 60,000 New Agents

Do YOU still trust the government? Or for that matter, the FBI? Are you in a state of constant anxiety hiding your face away from their prying eyes and money-hungry hands?

If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, your world is about to get a lot more crowded thanks to the political tag team of Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi.

An announcement has been made by the Federal Double-Plus Eyeing Commission that, in addition to the acquisition of 87,000 more IRS agents, the Biden administration will also be hiring 60,000 brand spanking new FBI agents.

Although Biden immediately denied it, some are remarking that perhaps this is a “pay for play” situation gift from the President to reward the FBI and attorney general Merrick Garland for the recent raid on Mar-a-Lago.  This theory, however, is simply that.

Sandy Batt, Director of Biden’s secret inspection corps, says the FBI agents are more than necessary for a world evolving around crime and indifference.

“When some people, looking at you, Trump, think they perpetrate criminal acts against their own government and get away with it by screaming that they’re “unhappy”, we need justice to come down swiftly and nab them.  We need more eyes, ears, and gun hands.”

Many conservative Americans are upset by this announcement, but a preliminary investigation shows that they’re also upset about Mr. Potato Head dolls and vegetarian pork patties.  They aren’t exactly geniuses.