WASHINGTON, D.C. – A newly uncovered General Services Administration (GSA) report has revealed that Michelle Obama has been receiving a mysterious $122,000 per month from the federal government since 2009. While the payments were initially marked as “Services to the Nation,” a deeper investigation has revealed the incredibly bizarre reasons behind the expense.
The Official Explanation: “National Morale Maintenance”
According to GSA officials, the payments were essential to maintaining American morale, and Michelle Obama was compensated for her “invaluable contributions to the well-being of the public.” These contributions included:
- Providing America with the illusion of healthy eating while secretly ordering Shake Shack three times a week.
- Setting an example for proper bicep flexing so that citizens wouldn’t be “intimidated by strong women.”
- Serving as an emergency “Cool Mom” consultant for teenagers needing an excuse to get out of family events.
When asked if this was a normal government expense, a GSA spokesperson simply shrugged and said, “Compared to some of our other spending? Absolutely.”
A Breakdown of the Monthly $122,000 Payments
1. $25,000 – “National Vegetable Awareness Program”
One of Michelle Obama’s greatest initiatives was her famous push to get kids to eat vegetables. However, since nobody actually wanted to do that, the government has been quietly paying her to pretend people care.
- Each month, Michelle holds a private ceremony where she solemnly waves at an untouched plate of broccoli in front of a classroom.
- A government intern is tasked with “liking” social media posts about kale smoothies from burner accounts.
- A “Carrot Czar” was appointed to oversee all carrot-related propaganda.
2. $40,000 – “Official Dance Moves for the Nation”
In an effort to keep the country moving, Michelle Obama has allegedly been compensated for teaching America how to dance.
- The government required one dad per household to learn The Dougie in 2010, leading to an epidemic of secondhand embarrassment.
- There is strong evidence that Michelle was secretly responsible for the floss dance craze—a move so confusing it nearly caused congressional hearings.
- The “Get Up and Move” mandate was quietly abandoned in 2015 after a senator sprained an ankle trying to “Hit the Quan.”
3. $30,000 – “First Lady Fashion Stabilization”
To maintain the global reputation of American fashion, the GSA has been paying Michelle to keep wearing fancy belts.
- Without her signature waist-cinching accessories, international markets fear a collapse of the belt industry.
- The Smithsonian currently houses an exhibit dedicated solely to her cardigans.
- J.Crew has been secretly lobbying for continued funding to preserve its relevance.
Will the Payments Continue?
When asked if these massive payments will ever end, GSA officials hesitated before admitting that a proposal is in place to extend them indefinitely. The new plan includes:
- A $200,000 annual increase if she agrees to reboot the “Let’s Move” campaign with a TikTok dance challenge.
- $50,000 per month for “standing near vegetables” without actually eating them.
- A special bonus if she agrees to wear even bigger belts.
When reached for comment, Michelle Obama simply smiled, took a sip of her organic green juice, and said, “If the government wants to pay me to vibe, who am I to say no?”