In a shocking revelation that absolutely no one can verify but will still be repeated on Facebook at least 200,000 times, recently leaked White House documents confirm that President Joe Biden was diagnosed with acute dementia in 2022. The documents, which were meant to be leaked two years ago, reportedly sat on Biden’s desk the entire time because he kept forgetting to hand them over to the press.
According to anonymous sources (who may or may not be a guy named Randy on Twitter), Biden received the diagnosis from Dr. Benson McFakeName, a prestigious doctor at the National Institute of Making Stuff Up. Despite this earth-shattering news, the White House allegedly continued business as usual, relying on Post-it notes, carrier pigeons, and a series of blinking lights to help Biden remember his daily schedule.
Symptoms That Were Totally Ignored
The leaked documents outline a number of concerning incidents that were, for some reason, brushed off as “Biden just being Biden.” Among the most troubling:
- In early 2023, Biden reportedly spent 45 minutes trying to open a Zoom meeting on his microwave before Kamala Harris had to step in.
- During a NATO summit, Biden allegedly mistook Emmanuel Macron for a DoorDash driver and tried to tip him with a Werther’s Original.
- White House staff claim he regularly confuses his teleprompter with a jukebox, leading to multiple press conferences where he just sang random lyrics from old Beach Boys songs instead of discussing policy.
- On multiple occasions, he has introduced Kamala Harris as “Michelle Obama’s cousin” and Pete Buttigieg as “that young fella from Star Trek.”
- In an unprecedented diplomatic incident, Biden sent Vladimir Putin a birthday card addressed to ‘Grandma Edna’—the Kremlin has yet to respond.
The Leak That Almost Didn’t Happen
While the documents were intended for public release in late 2022, Biden personally misplaced them somewhere inside the White House, setting off a nationwide game of hide-and-seek.
“It was right next to his aviator sunglasses collection, we just didn’t think to check,” said one White House staffer, who wished to remain anonymous but was clearly wearing a ‘Jill 2024’ button.
The delay in the leak is believed to have been caused by a series of distractions, including Biden’s six-week deep dive into an old Matlock box set and his ongoing search for a pen he lost in 1998.
Republicans React Swiftly
Upon hearing the news, Republican leaders responded with calm, measured discourse—just kidding, they immediately demanded a military tribunal.
“This is the biggest scandal in American history!” yelled Marjorie Taylor Greene, who was wearing a tinfoil hat “just in case Biden’s brainwaves were contagious.”
Donald Trump, meanwhile, seized on the opportunity to announce his own health report, claiming that his brain is actually getting younger and that he has “the cognitive abilities of a 12-year-old genius.”
What Happens Next?
Despite the hysteria, White House officials say nothing will change since Biden still knows how to sign bills, shake hands (most of the time), and wear those cool aviators.
As for the misplaced documents? Biden was last seen asking a squirrel on the White House lawn if it had seen them.
America, stay tuned.