It’s the kind of headline that practically writes itself: Former President Barack Obama, towel around his neck and a suspiciously tropical drink in hand, spotted on the infamous Little St. John Island — better known to internet sleuths and sweaty podcasters as “Pedophile Island.”
The leaked files, reportedly part of a misplaced FBI PowerPoint titled “People Who Go To Places,” included a grainy photo of a man who “might” be Obama, lounging under a cabana while reading a book titled How to Hide Your Tracks When Visiting Dubious Islands. The file was flagged “CLASSIFIED-ISH” and circulated briefly in a group chat among agents who really need hobbies.
According to alleged FBI Assistant to the Assistant Director Joe Barron, the image came from a disposable camera found under a palm tree near a half-eaten Subway sandwich. “We believe the sandwich is unrelated,” said Barron, “but we’ll keep it as evidence, just in case.”
Right-wing blogs ran wild, posting side-by-side comparisons of the blurry man on the beach and various photos of Obama holding ice cream. The conclusion? “Same wrist angle. That’s all we need.”
But by paragraph four, reality starts knocking.
According to forensic analysts with DOGE (Department of Governmental Exaggerations), the image is actually a souvenir postcard from a St. John Island gift shop, photoshopped poorly to include what looks like Obama’s head on the body of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte. The drink, upon closer inspection, is actually a Capri Sun.
And the person who “leaked” the photo? None other than Art Tubolls, self-described whistleblower and part-time scuba clown.
Further investigation revealed that Obama has never been to Little St. John Island — mostly because it doesn’t exist. As it turns out, Epstein’s infamous getaway was on Little Saint James, not Little St. John, which is actually a day spa behind a Waffle House in Des Moines.
“This is why maps matter,” said Joe Barron. “Otherwise, you start accusing people of crimes committed in places that only exist on Reddit.”
Still, the damage was done. Several social media influencers vowed to boycott any beaches, Obama books, or Capri Suns, “just in case.” Others began planning a Freedom Cruise to protest what they called “suspicious geography.”
As for Obama? Sources say he was on an actual beach — in Hawaii — where he spent the day playing fetch with his dog and trying to avoid fans asking him if he had “ever met Tom Hanks on that island with the tunnels.”
God Bless America.