In a bombshell revelation that absolutely no one saw coming, former Trump official Kash Patel has called for a full-scale federal investigation into Hunter Biden’s highly suspicious business dealings with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky—deals so shady they make a garage sale in the dead of night look legitimate.
The alleged corruption came to light after Patel received an anonymous tip written in crayon on the back of a discarded Waffle House menu. According to the deeply credible source, Hunter Biden engaged in “high-stakes international trade” with Ukraine, exchanging goods and services that, frankly, no one even wants.
Joe Barron: The Unflappable Ukrainian Spokesperson
When asked about the allegations, Zelensky’s official spokesperson, Joe Barron, held a press conference in Kyiv, where he openly mocked the accusations while eating a bowl of off-brand Lucky Charms.
“This is ridiculous,” Barron scoffed. “Hunter Biden’s ‘business empire’ in Ukraine consists of three broken bicycles, an expired gift card to Applebee’s, and a VHS copy of Space Jam—the original, not even the sequel.”
Despite Barron’s dismissive attitude, Kash Patel insists there’s more to the story.
Hunter Biden’s Suspicious Deals with Zelensky
According to Patel’s soon-to-be-bestselling book, “Hunter: The Man, The Myth, The Menace”, Hunter Biden’s business transactions with Ukraine included:
- Selling a used kazoo for $12 to a Ukrainian official, sparking international concerns about a “wind instrument black market.”
- Swapping a half-eaten Snickers bar for “a favor”, which turned out to be nothing more than a free ride on a Ukrainian city bus.
- Licensing the Biden family name to a Ukrainian bowling alley, which rebranded itself as “Biden’s Strikes & Gaffes.”
- Offering to paint a mural of Zelensky, despite having no artistic talent, resulting in a stick-figure drawing that was quietly power-washed off a government building.
- Selling a rare Pokémon card (slightly bent) to a Ukrainian defense official, which Kash Patel insists was “obviously payment for a secret weapons deal.”
Kash Patel Won’t Let This Go
Despite the fact that none of these deals involved more than $20, Kash Patel is demanding immediate congressional hearings and possibly a military tribunal.
“This is bigger than Watergate,” Patel declared in an exclusive interview with a gas station clerk who wasn’t even listening. “If Hunter Biden can just waltz into Ukraine and trade peanut butter sandwiches for government influence, we have a crisis on our hands.”
What’s Next?
The Biden White House has yet to officially comment, although an unnamed official (who sounded suspiciously like Hunter Biden) was overheard saying, “I swear, that Pokémon card was legit.”
Meanwhile, Joe Barron—the world’s most sarcastic press secretary—has invited Kash Patel to Ukraine to personally inspect the so-called “evidence,” assuring him that he can even keep the kazoo as a souvenir.
Will Patel’s investigation uncover more shocking truths, or will it end up in the same dumpster as Rudy Giuliani’s lost hard drive?
Stay tuned, America.