After nearly a decade of tryouts, documentaries, personal trainers, social justice slogans, and enough Nike endorsements to buy half of San Francisco, Colin Kaepernick has finally received the news every aging quarterback who peaked in 2013 dreads: It’s over.
The NFL has officially declined Kaepernick’s request to retain his “active” status, which technically allowed him to continue trying out for teams that stopped answering his calls sometime around the Obama administration.
“Let’s be honest,” said League Player Coordinator J.A. Barron, “Nobody is going to hire him. It’s not personal. It’s just that there are currently 97 quarterbacks better than him, including four guys who’ve never played football and one substitute gym teacher from Des Moines.”
Ouch.
Kaepernick reportedly filed a 17-page appeal asking for one last shot—preferably with a team in a large market with ample media coverage and at least three vegan restaurants within walking distance of the stadium. But the NFL wasn’t having it. League Commissioner Art Tubolls signed the denial personally, attaching a note that simply read: “No cap.”
Sources say the final straw came after Kaepernick’s failed tryout with the Jets’ practice squad last year, during which he reportedly completed three out of 19 passes and pulled a hamstring while kneeling.
“He looked more like someone auditioning for a Gatorade commercial than an actual player,” said Jets Scout Sandy Batt. “At one point he threw a spiral into a concession stand and asked if it was systemic racism.”
The league’s official statement was worded politely, stating that Kaepernick was “free to pursue other opportunities outside the NFL.” Which is corporate-speak for “please stop emailing us.”
In a press conference held in front of a crowd of four supporters and a confused DoorDash driver, Kaepernick vowed to “continue fighting for justice” and insisted he still had what it takes to lead a team—specifically a team of legal analysts preparing his next lawsuit against the NFL.
Twitter, of course, exploded.
Half the country called it another example of racial oppression. The other half called it finally. Meanwhile, Kaepernick’s old teammates mostly said, “Wait…he was still trying to get back in?”
In an unexpected show of sympathy, former XFL star Joe Barron offered Kaepernick a chance to play in a local flag football league in Tampa. “We can’t pay him,” Barron said, “but if he brings snacks we’ll let him play safety.”
As of press time, Kaepernick was spotted at a local Target looking wistfully at footballs while muttering something about “revolution.”
No word yet on whether Nike plans to update his ad campaign to say, “Believe in something. Even if it means being unemployed until you’re 50.”
But hey, it’s on the internet. So it must be true.
God Bless America.