WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning revelation, recently uncovered documents show that Hunter Biden maintained a fully funded White House expense account for the entire four years of his father’s presidency, allowing him to charge taxpayers for what sources describe as “absolutely ridiculous and completely unnecessary” purchases.
The account, reportedly labeled “Executive Well-Being Discretionary Fund”, provided Hunter with $50,000 a month for what the White House budget office classified as “critical lifestyle maintenance”—a term financial experts agree has never been applied to someone who does not actually work for the government.
Hunter’s “Necessary” Expenses
According to records, Hunter Biden’s spending was diverse, creative, and completely absurd. Among his monthly charges were:
- $12,000 on “art supplies” – which was later clarified as “a new set of gold-plated finger paints.”
- $9,500 on scented candles – mostly from Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP line, ordered under the memo “Oval Office Ambience.”
- $8,200 on a subscription to every major dating app – including Tinder, Bumble, Raya, and an extremely exclusive app called “Elite Lobbyist Mingle.”
- $6,700 on “emotional support animals” – primarily exotic creatures, including a White House Komodo dragon named “Corn Pop.”
- $4,300 on silk bathrobes – monogrammed with the title “First Son of Vibes.”
- $3,600 on customized Nerf guns – ordered after a heated argument about “castle doctrine” inside the White House game room.
- $2,500 on an “Official Presidential Karaoke Machine” – justified in the budget as a “morale booster for Dad,” though sources confirm Hunter only sang Kid Rock songs.
Taxpayer-Funded Luxury Retreats
Aside from his unbelievably dumb day-to-day expenses, Hunter also scheduled multiple “business” trips that were somehow charged to the White House budget.
One particularly egregious example: a “Climate Change Summit” held at a resort in Ibiza where Hunter reportedly conducted important policy discussions exclusively from a hot tub.
Another charge, listed as “official diplomacy with Monaco,” was later revealed to be a weeklong yacht party with international heiresses, all paid for by U.S. taxpayers.
The Mysterious “Emergency Ice Cream Fund”
In what might be the most inexplicable charge of all, Hunter allocated $14,000 per month for something called the “Biden Family Emergency Ice Cream Fund.”
When asked to justify this expense, Hunter reportedly replied, “You ever seen my dad without ice cream? You don’t want to.”
White House Response
The White House Press Secretary dismissed the controversy, stating, “Hunter was simply fostering economic growth through strategic personal spending.”
However, critics argue that Hunter’s lavish use of taxpayer funds makes Marie Antoinette look frugal. One fiscal watchdog group noted, “At least she had the decency to suggest cake—Hunter just bought himself another jet ski.”
While House Republicans have vowed to investigate, Hunter remains unfazed, reportedly seen later that evening charging a taxpayer-funded Uber to a cigar lounge labeled ‘Presidential Stress Management.’