Washington, D.C. – In what critics are calling “the most baffling government contract since Solyndra,” recently uncovered documents reveal that Hunter Biden received $4.9 million from USAID for consulting services in Ukraine—despite no one being able to explain what, exactly, he consulted on.
According to the highly classified, yet mysteriously leaked grant documents, Hunter was hired as a “Senior Global Development Advisor,” responsible for offering his “unique perspective” on critical issues like:
- Luxury Ashtray Placement – Ensuring Ukrainian government offices are equipped with “the finest, artisanal American crystal ashtrays” for a professional look.
- Sustainable Parmesan Cheese Sourcing – A personal passion project, Biden allegedly helped Ukrainian farms transition to organic, Hunter-grade parmesan production.
- Ethical Burisma Nap Strategies – Hunter reportedly consulted on “power-napping techniques for maximum post-lunch productivity” at the energy company where he once served on the board.
- Laptop Security Awareness – Oddly, this training course lasted only 12 minutes and ended with Hunter saying, “Eh, don’t worry about it.”
- Government-funded Finger Painting Workshops – A cultural diplomacy initiative featuring original Biden works that later sold for undisclosed sums.
Despite the outlandish details, USAID has defended the payment, with one spokesperson saying, “Look, at least it wasn’t another $5 million for gender studies in Pakistan.”
Hunter, when asked about the controversy, shrugged and said, “I just sign what they give me.”
Meanwhile, the White House insists that anyone questioning the deal is engaging in “unprovoked conspiracy theorizing”—even as Hunter prepares to accept a follow-up contract for “Advising the Ukrainian Space Program.”