Washington, D.C. – House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries has defied all odds, going from $40,000 in debt when first elected to holding a $36 million stock portfolio in just a few short years. And while some politicians make savvy investments, Jeffries’ choices are downright baffling.
Financial disclosures show Jeffries has heavily invested in industries most Americans didn’t even know existed, including:
- Pre-Cracked Eggs, Inc. – A startup that eliminates the burden of cracking eggs by selling them already cracked in the carton.
- Filibuster-Proof Noise-Canceling Headphones – Marketed specifically to senators who “just can’t listen anymore.”
- The Official Congressional Stress Ball Company – Every member of Congress gets one for free, but thanks to government contracts, taxpayers foot the bill at $199 each.
- NFTs of Other People’s Stock Portfolios – Jeffries reportedly invested $3 million in a company that lets you own a picture of someone else’s financial success.
- Big Avocado – He purchased a significant stake in an avocado monopoly, citing “guacamole diplomacy” as a key issue for America’s future.
Critics have raised concerns about the suspiciously fast financial turnaround, but Jeffries remains unfazed. “It’s just smart investing,” he said, stepping into a gold-plated Peloton.
Meanwhile, ethics watchdogs are calling for an investigation, but their funding was mysteriously slashed right after Jeffries invested in a company specializing in deleting online complaints.
When asked if his stock success was questionable, Jeffries responded, “I’m just following the market.”
Which, coincidentally, always seems to move in whatever direction he needs it to.