Everyone knows that California is an absolute cesspool full of illegal immigrants, dirty communists, unwashed homeless people, and Nancy Pelosi. So it’s no surprise at all that Elon Musk, the brand spanking new owner of Twitter, has quickly announced that he will move Twitter’s headquarters to Texas.
Yeehaw, patriots! Twitter will leave Governor Gavin Newsom crying in his quinoa salad as Musk sets up a new company HQ in Austin.
However, Musk seems to be coming to a quick realization that some people are concerned about more than just taxes, which is why he picked up his Tesla toys and stomped off to Texas last year. His decision to move Twitter to the Lone Star State is not going over well among his newest minions, I mean, employees at Twitter.
Current San Francisco resident and Twitter employee, Sandy Batt, isn’t terribly excited about moving to Texas. “Why the hell would I move to Texas? I don’t want to live in a place that’s hotter than the surface of the sun, with a governor who thinks the Handmaid’s Tale is an instruction manual, surrounded by assholes in lifted trucks carrying concealed weapons. Oh, and the traffic is even worse there than in San Francisco.”
To sweeten the deal, Musk has promised all Twitter employees that if they move to Austin, the company will pay for one out-of-state abortion a year per employee (because abortion is illegal in Texas now, duh) and pay a homeless person to camp in front of their homes to make them feel like they’re back in San Francisco.
California Governor Gavin Newsom is said to be despondent about the loss of Twitter to Texas. Anything that upsets Governor Good Hair is A-OK with us, patriots.
It remains to be seen how many employees will make the move. Which state will win? You be the judge.
