In what appears to be an instantly viral breaking news story, police and federal agents are conducting a class seven raid on 5500 North Cornrow Lane in Queeferton, Oregon this morning, the sprawling multi-million dollar estate of talk show host and space bartender Whoopi Goldberg.
Class seven is the second highest risk assessment level afforded to FBI agents, and indicates that: “an armed and dangerous individual is inside and aware of the situation and may have enacted countermeasures.”
The reasons behind the raid remain unclear at this time, but rumor mills indicate that it may have to do with Goldberg’s relationship with criminal Ted Danson, who has been staying at the residence since mid-October.
We’re watching live as agents have entered through the front door. There is a huge explosion happening as we’re told 30 pounds or more of C-4 has been detonated. Bodies are flying and loud popping noises are beginning to follow as the remaining agents move in.
An individual we suspect to be Whoopi has now appeared clad in a full-metal mech suit, adorned with machine guns and has opened fire. The FBI has fallen back to allow their new M1 Abrams artillery vehicle access.
Goldberg appears to be cradling what looks like a “cyborg” version of Danson and has taken to the sky with embedded jet boots. Agents have given the green light to Joe Konders, aka, “Iron Master” to pursue.
A hyperdimensional portal has opened, swallowing both Goldberg and her charge, with Konders in hot pursuit. We will be moving our staff to Earth 331, a favorite of Goldberg’s due to its chocolate rivers as we continue to investigate.
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