Oz On Standby As Fetterman Rushed to Hospital

It was one hell of an election day yesterday after several close races across the country ended.  Republicans more or less picked up control of Congress, while the Senate remained under Democratic control.

In Pennsylvania, expectations for celebrity candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz were sky high, even though his own party normally dislikes “Muslims”, but blind allegiance to the letter “R”, anger about gasoline and imaginary “pedophiles”, and sheer love of con men were expected to boost his chances.  Wrong.

Oz emerged dizzily un-voctorious, beaten to a pulp by opponent John Fetterman, the stroke survivor.  Many figured he’d recover from any effects of the malady quickly while Oz would continue to be a dickhead for the rest of his life.

Then came the victory celebrations, and during one, soon after, Fetterman was unceremoniously rushed to a nearby hospital.  Joe Barron of ALLOD reports:

“Mr. Fetterman was injured during the party at his residence when a supporter dumped a keg of Gatorade over his head, causing him to fall into a taxidermied beaver.  Dr. Oz was informed of the event, and has been placed on ‘stabdby’ status, just in case we’re in need of some kind of anti- beaver miracle oil.”

Oz was reportedly excited at the prospect and immediately lowered the oil’s price to $14.95, or two vials for an amazing low price of $24.50.  No word has come yet on whether Fetterman will accept.