Federal Court Orders Whoopi Goldberg to Return $2.6 Million USAID Grant—Citing “Absurd and Useless” Programs
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking legal decision, a federal court has ordered Whoopi Goldberg to return the $2.6 million she received last year from USAID, after a review found that the grant had been awarded for programs described as “completely ridiculous” and “somehow even less effective than a government-run DMV.”
Goldberg, best known for her role on The View and for winning an EGOT, was awarded the multimillion-dollar grant under the “Democracy Through Daytime Television” initiative—an obscure program that allegedly aimed to promote international stability through heated celebrity panel discussions.
Where Did the Money Go?
The court’s ruling cited Goldberg’s “bizarre misuse” of the USAID funds, which included:
- $500,000 for the “Global Civility Through Eye-Rolling” Workshop – A week-long seminar designed to teach world leaders how to roll their eyes dismissively at people they disagree with—a skill Whoopi honed over decades of arguing with Meghan McCain. Unfortunately, attendance was limited to a single UN intern who quit halfway through the course.
- $400,000 for “Sister Act Diplomacy” – A musical theater initiative intended to unite feuding countries through gospel-inspired song and dance. Despite Whoopi’s personal involvement, the project collapsed when diplomatic tensions escalated mid-rehearsal over who got to play the lead nun.
- $300,000 for “The View: Afghanistan Edition” – A USAID-sponsored attempt to bring a high-energy morning talk show to Kabul, complete with shouting, awkward laughter, and a baffling number of segments about Oprah. The show was canceled immediately when producers realized that Afghan audiences had absolutely no idea who Joy Behar was.
- $275,000 for “Whoopi’s Conflict Resolution Cookbook” – A self-published guide to diplomacy featuring recipes inspired by international disputes—including “Cold War Cold Cuts” and “Middle East Peace Pita.” The book sold exactly three copies, one of which was purchased by Whoopi’s assistant.
- $200,000 for “Ghost-Themed Mediation” – Whoopi personally conducted several experimental peace talks while pretending to channel the spirits of historical leaders. Her performance as the ghost of Winston Churchill was described as “alarmingly bad” and resulted in two international delegates storming out.
- $125,000 for the “Goldberg Doctrine” – A groundbreaking new foreign policy strategy which, upon review, was found to consist entirely of Whoopi loudly declaring, “Everybody just needs to calm the hell down.”
Whoopi Defends the Spending
Goldberg has vigorously denied any wrongdoing, telling reporters:
“I used that money for the betterment of democracy! You can’t put a price on my wisdom—except, apparently, the government did, and now they want it back.”
What’s Next?
USAID has already frozen Whoopi’s remaining grant money, preventing her from launching her next project: “Economic Recovery Through Comedic Timing.”
At press time, Whoopi was reportedly considering paying back the grant in installments—but only if she could do so in the form of discounted movie tickets and autographed Sister Act 2 DVDs.