In a bold and totally normal move, the Federal Election Commission (FEC)—now unofficially known as the Trump Agency for Fair Elections and Golf-Related Activities—has forwarded files on ABC, NBC, and CNN to the Justice Department for election interference. Their crime? Allowing Democrats to receive votes at all.
FEC officials are reportedly outraged that major news networks continued to broadcast coverage of the election without the mandatory disclaimer that “voting for Democrats is a communist plot.”
“Election Interference at Its Worst”
A statement released by the FEC’s new spokesperson, Lance Tinfoil, laid out the grave accusations against these media networks:
- ABC allegedly reported actual poll numbers, instead of the preferred method of announcing that Trump had won preemptively.
- NBC apparently showed footage of people voting, which was deemed “highly suspicious” because some of them didn’t look like they owned a truck.
- CNN is accused of continuing to exist, which the FEC believes constitutes blatant anti-Trump bias.
“How did Democrats get votes at all?” asked FEC Chairman Joe Barron, a man whose qualifications include watching “2000 Mules” at least six times and owning a stack of pre-filled lawsuits against CNN.
The Evidence? Rock Solid.
The FEC’s files—consisting mostly of printouts of Trump’s Truth Social posts and a napkin with the words “DO SOMETHING!” scribbled in ketchup—offer damning proof of media corruption, including:
- A video clip from CNN where a reporter said “Biden” without immediately bursting into flames.
- A leaked ABC memo reminding journalists not to openly endorse candidates, which FEC officials claim is clearly code for endorsing Biden.
- A scandalous NBC segment where a correspondent correctly explained how mail-in ballots work, instead of calling them “deep-state sorcery.”
FEC Demands Justice
The Justice Department has acknowledged receiving the files but has yet to comment, as Attorney General Merrick Garland was reportedly too busy laughing uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, the Trump Agency has issued several demands, including:
- The immediate arrest of at least three news anchors, preferably ones with “smug liberal faces.”
- Mandatory Fox News viewership for all Americans during election season.
- A law ensuring that every ballot automatically includes at least one accidental vote for Trump.
What’s Next?
While the Justice Department is unlikely to act, FEC Chairman Joe Barron has vowed to pursue justice through the courts, despite his last lawsuit being written in Comic Sans and rejected for being filed on a Wendy’s receipt.
As of now, all three networks remain on air, continuing their dangerous mission of reporting things that actually happened—a practice the Trump Agency hopes to ban by 2028.
Stay tuned, America.