In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one has verified, the FBI has announced the formation of a highly classified, top-secret, yet somehow very public task force to investigate Democrats in Congress who allegedly stole from the student loan forgiveness program.
According to anonymous sources who may or may not be Bond villains, at least 12 Democratic lawmakers have been caught pocketing student loan forgiveness funds—despite not being students and, in some cases, not even being able to spell “forgiveness.”
Among the most shocking offenders is Congressman Joe Barron, a lesser-known but apparently extremely bold lawmaker who allegedly borrowed $320,000 from the program for reasons that, according to the FBI, “defy logic, reason, and basic fiscal responsibility.”
Joe Barron’s Bizarre Loan Scandal
Investigators claim that Congressman Barron filed for student loan forgiveness under at least seven fake degrees, including:
- A PhD in Underwater Basket Weaving from the University of Phoenix
- A Master’s in Interpretive Dance from Trump University
- A Bachelor’s in “Vibes” from an unnamed TikTok Academy
- An Associate’s Degree in BBQ Sauce Science
When questioned, Barron reportedly defended himself, saying, “I needed those funds to further my education in ways the mainstream media doesn’t want you to understand.”
Where did all that forgiven student loan money go? According to the FBI’s leaked report:
- $42,000 went toward a 24-karat gold Segway so Barron could “ride through the halls of Congress in style.”
- $18,500 was spent on a talking parrot trained to say, “Elon Musk is my real dad.”
- $75,000 was funneled into a research project to determine “why McDonald’s ice cream machines are always broken.”
- $30,000 was used to hire a personal assistant whose only job was to remind Barron to “look busy” whenever C-SPAN cameras were rolling.
- $7,200 was spent on a lifetime supply of Lunchables because, according to Barron, “I believe in investing in my future.”
Other Democrats Under Investigation
While Barron’s impressive dedication to nonsense makes him a standout, he’s far from the only lawmaker accused of student loan shenanigans. Others on the FBI’s “Big Dumb List” include:
- Senator Bernie Sanders – Allegedly took out a $150,000 student loan to fund a nationwide search for the best bagel.
- Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – Used $90,000 to enroll in Hogwarts after claiming to be “half Ravenclaw, half socialist.”
- Senator Elizabeth Warren – Took $120,000 in forgiven loans to launch a “Woke Astrology” app that exclusively predicts the weather in Massachusetts.
- President Joe Biden (Honorable Mention) – While not under investigation, reports suggest he accidentally approved a student loan for his own dog, Commander, who now owes $85,000 to the federal government for a degree in Advanced Belly Rub Theory.
What’s Next?
FBI officials say they are “working around the clock” to determine the full scope of the scandal, but sources indicate that most of the investigators can’t stop laughing at the expense reports.
As for Joe Barron? He remains defiant, claiming, “If stealing from a student loan program to fund my dream of rollerblading in a diamond-encrusted cape is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.”
The FBI has yet to issue any formal arrests, but Barron is reportedly already working on his next scam: applying for federal farm subsidies despite the fact that his only agricultural experience is “growing a beard in 2014.”
America, stay vigilant. The student loan thieves walk among us.
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