WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has sent shockwaves through both Hollywood and the deep state, newly appointed FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino has been given full authority to investigate Hollywood’s long-rumored pedophile rings. Insiders report that Bongino accepted the mission within five seconds, slammed an energy drink, and immediately booked a flight to Los Angeles.
Bongino’s “Unconventional” Investigation Tactics
Unlike past investigations, which relied on boring things like subpoenas and legal procedures, Bongino has introduced a more hands-on approach, modeled after his time as a Secret Service agent and part-time action movie enthusiast.
1. Kicking Down Random Doors in Beverly Hills
Bongino’s first order of business? Booting in as many mansion doors as possible in search of evidence.
- First stop: Tom Hanks’ house. Why? “Just a hunch,” said Bongino.
- Leonardo DiCaprio’s home was raided twice before agents realized he was in Europe “researching” the age of consent laws.
- A confused George Clooney opened his front door, only for Bongino to yell, “We’ll be back, slick!” before driving off dramatically.
2. The Sting Operation at an Oscars Afterparty
Bongino, in a horribly obvious disguise (sunglasses, fake mustache, and an “I ❤️ Epstein Island” T-shirt), infiltrated an A-list afterparty to lure out suspects.
- When Oprah Winfrey walked in, Bongino immediately whispered, “So, uh, got any child trafficking operations I can invest in?”
- Meryl Streep was observed clapping too hard for a Roman Polanski tribute, prompting her to be placed on a “watchlist.”
- An unnamed producer spilled everything after Bongino offered him a beer and flexed aggressively.
3. Bringing in the Special Forces
After 72 hours in L.A., Bongino declared that the entire city was compromised and called in his own “elite strike team.”
- Steven Seagal was put in charge of “deep state roundhouse kicking.”
- Kid Rock was flown in to interrogate Hollywood elites with the psychological warfare tactic known as “blasting his own music at full volume until they confess.”
- A Bald Eagle was assigned as an official “co-investigator” in what Bongino described as “an important morale boost.”
Hollywood’s Response
A-list celebrities quickly went into panic mode.
- Ellen DeGeneres reportedly fled the country, mumbling something about “karma.”
- James Corden was spotted crying into a caramel macchiato, fearing that he might be held accountable for crimes against comedy.
- Chrissy Teigen deleted another 30,000 tweets, just in case.
The Investigation Continues
Despite skepticism from “experts” (aka, the mainstream media), Bongino remains committed to uncovering the full extent of Hollywood’s corruption. His next step? Raiding Disneyland “just to be sure.”
When asked if he had any closing statements, Bongino simply cracked his knuckles, stared directly into the camera, and growled:
“I’m just getting started.”