I’m a stunning move that shook up Wall Street this afternoon, Disney, the family friendly entertainment company who brought you such feel-good faire as John Carter and The Black Hole, is apparently branching out their assets.

CEO Bob Iger announced early this morning after a hung-over dream brought on by a night of Goldschlager and Pabst Blue Ribbon to celebrate the release of new epic film The Marvels, that he had contacted Anheuser-Busch, and offered eleventy-billion dollars for the company, lock, stock, and beer barrel.

The announcement caught the business world by storm, as the conglomeration of the two massive entities would be epic.  Iger spoke to America’s Last Line of Defense’s investigative journalist Joe Barron.

“I thought about how nice it would be to watch this upcoming movie with a cold beer in your hand.  I mean, because it kind of sucks a little.  And I thought, Jesus Christ, my head hurts.  I think it was that last bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 in the limo that did it.”

At press time, Disney hasn’t yet responded to the offer, but many industry insiders feel this is a natural progression of the two businesses.

“They’re both ‘woke’, you know, and they’re both paying for those decisions,” said corporate raider Mitt Romney off the record.  “I mean it makes sense.  Who would want to be sober to see anything having to do with The Eternals?”

 

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