After a harrowing return to Earth, the astronauts rescued from their stranded spacecraft will be greeted not with medals or government honors, but with the most extravagant billionaire-funded celebration in space history. Elon Musk has announced he’s personally throwing a $5 million “Welcome Home” party for the returning heroes, because, in his words, “They deserve it. And also, tax write-offs are cool.”
The exclusive event will take place at an undisclosed SpaceX facility—though sources close to Musk suggest it will likely be held on his private island or inside a decommissioned rocket because, as one insider put it, “He thinks it would be hilarious to make them relive their trauma.”
A Party Like No Other
The party, reportedly bankrolled entirely by Musk himself (and, presumably, some creative Tesla accounting), will feature:
- A zero-gravity dance floor – Specially designed to “simulate space” but mostly so Musk can show off his moonwalk.
- A gourmet “space food” buffet – Fancy, rebranded versions of the freeze-dried slop the astronauts just spent months eating.
- Live music from Grimes and some guy playing synth noises that sound ‘cosmic’ – No one is sure if this was by choice or court-mandated.
- A Tesla giveaway – Every astronaut gets a Tesla Cybertruck! (Note: Delivery date TBD. Very TBD.)
Astronauts Get Special Rewards
Beyond the over-the-top celebration, Musk has also pledged a special “loyalty bonus” to the astronauts for enduring their ordeal.
“I’m paying their salaries for a full year,” Musk announced. “They’ve earned a nice, long vacation.”
However, sources have since clarified that their actual take-home pay will be significantly adjusted due to Musk’s… unique approach to employee compensation.
- Salaries will be subject to deductions for “not working” while they were lost in space.
- They’ll be fined for refusing to come into the office (despite the minor detail of being literally trapped in space).
- They will also be required to send Musk five bullet points per week explaining why they think they still deserve to be paid.
After all these deductions, the final salary payout for each astronaut will be a generous $11.
Musk: “It’s Not About the Money”
Despite the questionable financials, Musk insists that the party is about honoring the spirit of human exploration.
“These astronauts are heroes,” Musk said. “And what better way to celebrate them than with a massive party that’s also, coincidentally, a great PR move?”
Critics argue that the money could have been spent in better ways—perhaps funding space safety improvements or, at the very least, buying WiFi that works on Mars. But Musk remains unfazed.
“Look, we could have left them up there,” he said with a smirk. “But that would have been way more expensive.”