WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what legal scholars are calling “a move so unconstitutional it might actually loop back around to being impressive”, the President has issued an executive order directing Elon Musk and the Dogecoin blockchain to audit Congress.
The announcement came via an early-morning White House tweet, which simply read:
“Elon & DOGE will be auditing Congress. Big changes coming! Transparency = TO THE MOON!! 🚀🚀🚀”
While the executive order carries zero legal weight, Musk has reportedly taken the assignment seriously, already forming a team of Tesla engineers, bored Twitter users, and a single Shiba Inu wearing reading glasses.
The “Audit” Begins
Within hours of the announcement, Musk arrived on Capitol Hill, armed with an iPad, a half-empty bottle of Soylent, and an army of crypto enthusiasts who believed this was somehow related to the downfall of the Federal Reserve.
“We’re using blockchain technology, AI, and my personal gut instincts to track every dollar Congress has spent,” Musk declared. “And believe me, some of these expenditures are… not lit.”
Early findings from Elon’s self-proclaimed “HyperLoopAudit” include:
- $14 million spent on “Congressional Emotional Support Ice Cream” – An undisclosed number of senators have allegedly been expensing late-night pints of Häagen-Dazs to cope with mean tweets about them.
- $3.2 million in “mysterious” Post-It Note purchases – Musk suspects this may be related to a secret deep-state sticky note operation. Congressional sources say staffers just write everything down because they’re afraid of using email.
- $20,000 for “Senator-Safe Energy Drinks” – Custom-made low-caffeine, low-sugar energy drinks for elderly lawmakers who demand the illusion of productivity without the actual side effects of staying awake.
- $1.7 million spent on renaming post offices – Musk found this hilariously inefficient, suggesting instead that all post offices be renamed “X.”
- $6,400 for a “Bipartisan Therapy Llama” – A certified emotional support llama was allegedly brought in last year to de-escalate tense budget negotiations. Musk immediately adopted the llama and renamed it “Dogecoin Prime.”
Does the President Actually Have the Power to Do This?
Absolutely not. At all. In any way.
Legal experts were quick to point out that the President has no authority whatsoever to appoint a billionaire tech mogul (or his favorite meme-based cryptocurrency) to audit a separate branch of government.
“This is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen,” said one constitutional law professor. “And I was alive during the MyPillow Guy’s legal filings.”
Elon Doubles Down
Despite the legal impossibility of the situation, Musk remains committed.
“Even if the audit isn’t ‘technically’ legal, the vibes demand it.” Musk posted on X. “Democracy isn’t about laws. It’s about the people. And also DOGE.”
At press time, Musk was preparing to launch a DAO (Decentralized Audit Organization) to oversee all future government spending, which he promised would be “100% secure, unhackable, and definitely not a pump-and-dump scheme.”