Washington, D.C. – In a recent audit, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has uncovered that Vice President Kamala Harris received $9 million in payments from the general fund. The expenditures, detailed in the audit report, reveal a series of peculiar and extravagant purchases that have left taxpayers scratching their heads.
Among the most notable expenses:
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Pre-Cracked Eggs: Harris allocated $1.2 million to a startup specializing in pre-cracked eggs, aiming to eliminate the hassle of shelling eggs for busy professionals. The company, “Eggs-press Yourself,” promises a “shell-free breakfast experience.”
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Congressional Stress Balls: To combat the pressures of political life, $850,000 was spent on custom-made stress balls shaped like miniature gavels. These “Gavel Grabbers” are reportedly infused with lavender scent to promote relaxation during heated sessions.
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Luxury Hot Sauce Collection: A connoisseur of spicy condiments, Harris invested $500,000 in acquiring a collection of rare and exotic hot sauces from around the world, including a $25,000 bottle of “Dragon’s Breath Elixir.”
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Personalized Motivational Posters: To inspire her team, $750,000 was spent on commissioning personalized posters featuring Harris’s image alongside motivational quotes such as “Dream Big, Prosecutor Bigger.”
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High-End Bluetooth Toasters: Embracing smart kitchen technology, $1 million was allocated for state-of-the-art toasters that can be controlled via smartphone app, ensuring “perfectly browned toast every time.”
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Designer Face Masks: In a nod to pandemic protocols, $1.5 million was spent on limited-edition face masks designed by luxury fashion houses, each adorned with the Vice President’s initials in Swarovski crystals.
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Subscription to “Joke of the Day” Service: To keep morale high, $250,000 was dedicated to a daily joke subscription service, delivering politically themed humor to Harris’s inbox every morning.
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Customized Ice Cream Freezer: A known ice cream enthusiast, Harris commissioned a $1.8 million custom freezer capable of storing up to 100 flavors at optimal temperatures, complete with a built-in tasting station.
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Virtual Reality Meeting Rooms: To modernize remote work, $1.15 million was invested in virtual reality setups, allowing for immersive meetings where participants can “feel” like they’re in the same room, complete with digital donuts.
When questioned about these expenditures, a spokesperson for the Vice President stated, “These purchases were made with the intention of enhancing office efficiency and morale. The Vice President believes in investing in tools that promote a productive and enjoyable work environment.”
Critics, however, argue that such spending is frivolous and a misuse of taxpayer funds. “In a time when many Americans are struggling, it’s disheartening to see our leaders indulge in such extravagance,” said one political analyst.
As the debate continues, DOGE has recommended a thorough review of discretionary spending policies to prevent future occurrences of similar nature.