In yet another heroic act of fiscal responsibility, the Department of Government Expenditures (DOGE) has successfully blocked the Clinton Foundation from receiving a staggering $2 billion in funding, effectively stopping the organization from engaging in its usual wasteful spending on frivolous luxuries like food, medicine, and disaster relief.
The move came after an internal review by DOGE uncovered that, had the funds been allocated, the Clinton Foundation planned to recklessly squander the money on a series of unnecessary expenditures, including:
- “Gold-plated” vaccines (otherwise known as “regular vaccines” for underprivileged children in developing nations).
- Lavish five-star water purification systems (also known as “clean drinking water” for communities plagued by disease).
- Luxury climate disaster relief centers (sometimes referred to as “emergency shelters for people who just lost everything in a hurricane”).
Thankfully, DOGE officials saw through this charade of so-called “charity work” and took swift action to prevent the Clinton Foundation from burning through taxpayer money on such absurd indulgences.
Preventing Fraudulent Spending on ‘Humanitarian Aid’
DOGE investigators quickly realized that much of the $2 billion would be funneled into dangerous pet projects, such as:
- “Ego-stroking” food banks that would have provided millions of meals to starving children—because what’s the point of giving people food if they’re just going to eat it?
- “Woke” disease prevention programs aimed at eradicating malaria and tuberculosis in developing countries, completely ignoring the free market’s ability to solve these problems through thoughts and prayers.
- “Socialist handouts” in the form of emergency medical treatment for disaster victims, blatantly undermining their right to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, assuming they still have feet.
DOGE’s Victory for the American Taxpayer
Following their brave decision to cut off this reckless spending, DOGE officials declared victory, with lead investigator Joe Barron stating, “The American people deserve to know that their hard-earned tax dollars aren’t being spent on pointless things like humanitarian aid and infrastructure in struggling nations. This money belongs in more responsible hands—like the Pentagon.”
In fact, the $2 billion that almost went to the Clinton Foundation has now been redirected toward far more essential projects, including:
- $500 million for a new fighter jet that experts say will probably never be used but looks super cool in military parades.
- $300 million in subsidies for struggling oil companies, because how else will we motivate billion-dollar corporations to keep existing?
- $1.2 billion for a series of studies investigating whether trickle-down economics will ever actually work (early results suggest: probably not, but let’s keep trying).
The Clinton Foundation Responds
In response to the funding cut, the Clinton Foundation has expressed deep concern over the impact it will have on ongoing projects. A spokesperson for the organization, Art Tubolls, lamented, “This funding was going to save lives, provide medicine, and help entire communities rebuild. Without it, we don’t know how we’ll continue these vital programs.”
To which DOGE officials replied, “Sounds like a you problem.”
God Bless America.