In a shocking revelation that absolutely no one saw coming, a secondary audit conducted by the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has confirmed that over 14 million deceased Americans are still receiving Social Security checks. Even more concerning? Most of them aren’t just dead—they’re undead.
The report, titled “Fiscally Irresponsible and Frighteningly Immortal,” details how millions of zombies, vampires, liches, and other supernatural retirees have been collecting taxpayer money for decades—all while allegedly contributing nothing to society beyond occasional jump scares.
Joe Barron: The Lich King of Social Security Fraud
One of the biggest beneficiaries of this undead welfare scandal is none other than Joe Barron, a former insurance salesman who passed away in 1973, only to rise again as a full-fledged lich in 1981.
According to the audit, Barron has been receiving monthly Social Security deposits totaling $2,500, which he allegedly spends exclusively on cursed amulets, ancient scrolls, and premium subscriptions to ghost-hunting reality shows.
When reached for comment from his underground crypt in Cleveland, Barron was unapologetic.
“Look, I put in my years of work before I transformed into an undying necromancer. If the government wants to cut me off, they’ll have to pry my benefits from my cold, bony fingers,” Barron said, shaking a skeletal fist.
Undead Americans Milking the System
The DOGE report also revealed several other supernatural seniors who have been collecting benefits long past their expiration date, including:
- Edith “The Eternal” Thompson, a vampire from New Orleans, who hasn’t paid taxes since the Civil War but continues to receive $1,800 a month, which she mostly uses to fund midnight bingo tournaments at the blood bank.
- Franklin J. Moans, a zombie former mailman, who shuffles to the bank every month to cash his check despite having no known use for money aside from purchasing formaldehyde-scented cologne.
- The Ghost of Gerald McClusky, who died in 1949 but still votes in every election (which somehow remains a bigger scandal than his continued government benefits).
- A sentient pile of cursed bones known only as “Steve,” who has been cashing in disability checks on account of the fact that he has no working muscles.
Government Reaction: “Well, This Is Awkward”
DOGE officials have called for immediate action, though they admit they are deeply concerned about angering a legion of supernatural retirees.
“Look, it’s one thing to cut off fraudsters, but I don’t want to be the guy who denies a lich his grocery money,” said one nervous Social Security official. “That’s how you end up cursed for eternity.”
Congress is expected to debate new measures aimed at stopping undead fraud, though some politicians have proposed a compromise that allows vampires and ghosts to keep their checks, but finally cuts off mummies, who haven’t contributed anything since ancient Egypt.
As for Joe Barron, he remains defiant, warning lawmakers that any attempt to stop his benefits will be met with a powerful necromantic curse.
“Touch my Social Security and see what happens,” Barron hissed, clutching his checkbook. “I may be dead, but I still vote—and so do my skeleton minions.”
Stay tuned, America.