WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking and somewhat bizarre recommendation, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)—a little-known bureaucratic office created in 1987 after a typo in a budget proposal—has advised that all Secret Service protection for former presidents and vice presidents be eliminated immediately. The agency claims this bold move is necessary to promote self-reliance, taxpayer savings, and an exciting new reality-TV-inspired approach to post-presidency survival.
“We believe that after leaving office, former leaders should be able to fend for themselves like regular Americans,” said DOGE Deputy Director Carl Mims, who submitted the proposal alongside a PowerPoint filled with stock images of wilderness survivalists. “If everyday citizens can navigate rush-hour traffic and rogue raccoons in their backyards without federal protection, so can a former president.”
“They’ve Had a Good Run”
One of DOGE’s main arguments is that ex-presidents and vice presidents have already lived incredibly cushy lives and should be challenged to experience the real world.
“They’ve had 4 to 8 years of free housing, free transportation, and people handing them Diet Cokes on demand,” Mims continued. “It’s time for them to join the rest of us in dealing with unreliable Ubers and learning that pepper spray is cheaper than a security detail.”
The proposal even suggests that instead of Secret Service agents, former leaders should receive a complimentary self-defense class, a whistle, and a guide titled “Blending In at Costco: A Handbook for Ex-Presidents.”
A New “Post-Presidential Wilderness Challenge”
DOGE also proposed a bold new solution: replacing Secret Service protection with a reality-TV-style wilderness survival program. Under this plan, former presidents and VPs would be sent to a randomly selected remote location, with only a pocket knife, a single granola bar, and a VHS copy of Cast Away for inspiration.
“We call it Naked and Afraid: Oval Office Edition,” said Mims. “Imagine Jimmy Carter tracking wild game in Montana, or Mike Pence trying to build a shelter in the Everglades. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that.”
The agency argues that the challenge would not only reduce government spending but also teach valuable survival skills to politicians who have historically struggled with basic tasks like grocery shopping and operating touch-screen kiosks at McDonald’s.
Security Experts are Skeptical
Critics of the proposal, including the actual Secret Service, have raised concerns.
“Look, we’re not saying that every ex-president is in danger,” said a Secret Service spokesperson. “But do we really want to test the theory by sending Dick Cheney to walk around Texas unguarded?”
Others argue that certain former leaders might struggle to adapt. “We don’t think Bill Clinton is prepared for a world where nobody opens doors for him,” noted one political analyst.
DOGE Remains Firm
Despite the backlash, DOGE remains committed to its plan, citing the significant cost savings and the entertainment value of watching George W. Bush order his own burrito at Chipotle.
“The American people deserve to see their leaders live like they do,” Mims said. “And let’s be honest—if a former president can’t outmaneuver an aggressive mall kiosk salesperson, should they really have been leading the free world?”
As of now, the Biden administration has not responded to DOGE’s proposal, but sources confirm that Donald Trump has already ordered a custom line of “Self-Defense for Ex-Presidents” branded pepper spray.