WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Government Ethics (DOGE) is demanding that former FBI Director James Comey finally explain why he authorized a $6 million payment to himself in 2016—funds that were supposed to be earmarked for “operational security enhancements.” Instead, records show Comey spent the money on highly questionable and deeply ridiculous personal purchases.
A Budget for National Security… or Self-Delusion?
According to the DOGE report, Comey justified the payment as a “critical security expenditure” but failed to mention that the security in question was primarily for his personal comfort and convenience. The expenditures included:
- A custom-made, bulletproof trench coat – Because, as Comey reportedly told an aide, “If I’m going down, I’m going down looking like a 1940s detective.” The coat also came with a built-in espresso machine, just in case counter-espionage work got exhausting.
- A state-of-the-art, crime-solving magnifying glass – At a cost of $1.2 million, this solid-gold, FBI-engraved Sherlock Holmes-style magnifying glass was allegedly “necessary for close reading of classified documents.” DOGE investigators note that the device remained completely unused, except for dramatic effect during Congressional hearings.
- A life-sized wax statue of himself – Installed in his office to intimidate subordinates into thinking he was always watching. Witnesses say the statue was even taller than the real Comey, and he reportedly would stand next to it and whisper, “Which one is the real me, agents? Choose wisely.”
- A $500,000 “Mission: Impossible”-style self-destructing office chair – This chair, made from carbon fiber and classified Pentagon technology, was designed to eject him through the ceiling if he ever needed a quick escape. Unfortunately, the button was installed backwards, leading to one intern being launched into the cafeteria when they accidentally sat down in the chair.
- An FBI-branded “Super Spy Kit” for home use – This kit contained high-tech surveillance gadgets such as binoculars that could see into the past (or at least that’s what the receipt claimed), a pair of night-vision socks, and a secret compartment in his fridge labeled “Classified Snacks.”
Comey Responds to Allegations
After the DOGE report went public, Comey took to his favorite form of communication: an overly dramatic, metaphor-filled Twitter thread.
“When faced with darkness, one must light a candle. When faced with questions, one must answer. But when faced with an opportunity to purchase a gold-plated magnifying glass, one must seize it.”
When reporters asked if he intended to repay the $6 million, Comey said, “Justice isn’t about money—it’s about truth.” He then attempted to smoke-bomb his way out of the interview, only to realize he had spent all his funds on a smoke machine that hadn’t been delivered yet.
What’s Next?
DOGE is now considering further action, including potential subpoenas. Meanwhile, an internal FBI memo revealed that Comey’s original request for the funds was approved with the reasoning, “Well, he’s tall, so he must know what he’s doing.”
The American public, as usual, remains completely unsurprised.