Washington, D.C. – In a move no one saw coming, the newly formed Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has completed its first audit of Congress’ spending habits—and the findings are so absurd that even the Pentagon is blushing.
According to the 987-page report, DOGE uncovered over $400 billion in unexplained waste, including:
- $12 million for “emergency beanbag chairs” in the Senate chamber, justified as “preventative measures for filibuster fatigue.”
- $87 million spent on “Congressional Therapy Dogs,” none of which actually exist, except on a contract signed by three different lobbyists.
- $2.4 billion in lifetime subscriptions to DoorDash Premium for lawmakers “too busy defending democracy to pick up their own Chipotle.”
- $600,000 spent by one senator on a golden commemorative spoon collection depicting all 50 states, plus Puerto Rico and “West Delaware.”
- $73 million allocated for “The Nancy Pelosi Eternal Ice Cream Fund,” ensuring future House Speakers have access to a rotating selection of gourmet flavors.
DOGE auditors attempted to ask members of Congress to explain these expenses, but most were either “unavailable for comment” or actively running away down the halls of the Capitol.
One congressman, speaking on condition of anonymity, defended the spending. “Look, democracy is expensive,” he said. “If we have to buy 14,000 unused Peloton bikes to keep the wheels of government turning, so be it.”
DOGE officials, however, are pushing for reform. “We’ll continue auditing,” one investigator promised, “right after we figure out why there’s a $9 million invoice for ‘Senate-Wide Motivational Posters’ with the phrase ‘Do It For The Donors.’”
For now, government waste remains undefeated.