In what could only be described as the swampiest story of the decade (and that’s saying something), DEI Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson has been busted accepting what amounts to a $2.1 million bribe from none other than liberal puppet master George Soros.
According to newly uncovered reports, Brown Jackson is now the proud “owner” of a luxury vacation home in Italy, gifted — surprise! — via Soros’ network of shell companies and shady investments. The property, nestled somewhere between the Amalfi Coast and the Gates of Hell, was allegedly part of a quiet “thank you” package for her years of reliable service pushing whatever social agenda was scribbled on a Starbucks napkin that morning.
“It’s technically outside U.S. jurisdiction, so there’s nothing we can do about it,” said DOGE Lead Investigator Joe Barron, shaking his head in disgust. “It’s just more proof that the globalists are running circles around the Constitution.”
For about two hot minutes, America thought we finally had a scandal big enough to make Watergate look like a high school prank. News outlets ran wild. CNN tried blaming Trump. MSNBC had a panel of “experts” explaining why luxury villas actually “uplift marginalized communities.” It was glorious.
But just as the conspiracy web was reaching peak insanity, the real story finally tumbled out — and it’s enough to make even Rachel Maddow put down her soy latte in embarrassment.
It turns out, Justice Jackson didn’t exactly get handed a free Mediterranean mansion in some backroom Soros deal. Nope. She won a timeshare in a raffle.
At a grocery store.
In Maryland.
Apparently, Jackson entered a “Taste of Tuscany” sweepstakes after purchasing a family-size tub of organic hummus at a local market. The store, “La Grana WholeMart,” is owned by a parent company, which is owned by a hedge fund, which is owned by a conglomerate, which George Soros owns exactly 0.0003% of in stocks.
So yes — technically, Soros is “connected.” About as directly as Joe Biden is connected to a thought without a teleprompter.
Jackson’s camp released a statement calling the entire ordeal “a baseless smear designed to discredit a proud woman of color who loves artisanal cheeses.”
Meanwhile, GOP lawmakers are still pushing for a full investigation. “I don’t care if it’s a timeshare for one weekend a year,” said Senator Art Tubolls (R-Freedom), “If George Soros is involved, it’s corruption. Period.”
Sources say the timeshare entitles Jackson to stay in a modest three-bedroom villa two weeks a year — but only during the off-season, when the Amalfi Coast smells like wet tourists and desperation.
The other fifty weeks a year? The property’s rented out to honeymooning vegans from Portland.
God Bless America.