A new report, allegedly compiled by anonymous security officials with access to the West Wing’s “Super-Confidential Deluxe” clearance level, reveals that President Joe Biden spent a grand total of six hours in the Oval Office during the final six months of his presidency.
That’s right. Six. Total. Hours. The rest of the time? According to the logs, Biden appears to have been “working remotely” from Delaware, which is government-speak for napping in a cardigan while watching Matlock reruns.
The logs, which mysteriously surfaced during a DOGE audit of the White House espresso budget, were stamped “CLASSIFIED” in Comic Sans and stored inside an empty can of Ensure. They outline President Biden’s movements in alarming detail, including multiple entries labeled “wandered off,” “confused by thermostat,” and one instance where the president allegedly asked if Kamala Harris was “that lady from the cooking show.”
“According to our findings, the Oval Office was mostly used by interns taking selfies or sneaking in to charge their phones,” said DOGE spokesperson Joe Barron, who confirmed that at one point in February, a squirrel was found asleep in the Resolute Desk.
The six total hours Biden did spend in the Oval Office, we’re told, were mostly occupied by attempts to figure out the remote, asking about lunch, or accidentally signing blank executive orders, one of which reportedly awarded an honorary Medal of Freedom to a toaster oven.
Several Biden officials denied the claim, insisting the president was “deeply engaged in matters of state.” When pressed for examples, they cited:
- An extended FaceTime call with Jill in which he waved at the volume button,
- A Zoom with G7 leaders where he spent 28 minutes trying to unmute,
- And a “very productive conversation” with a coat rack he thought was Secretary Blinken.
While the report doesn’t conclusively prove Biden was fully asleep at the wheel, it does raise concerns about who was actually running the country during his presidency. Some believe it was Kamala. Others suspect Hunter Biden’s iPad, which apparently sent at least 73 “official-looking” emails signed, “President Big Guy.”
But the true mystery lies in how these door logs were leaked. The story first appeared on a blog run by Art Tubolls, a former Times Square street performer and self-proclaimed “Federal Data Truther” who says he obtained the information from “a guy in line at Costco who knows a guy whose cousin delivered ice to the Pentagon once.”
Despite all this, the mainstream media continues to ignore the scandal, choosing instead to focus on “more pressing issues” like the weather, the economy, and how many push-ups Biden can do in his mind.
As for the Oval Office, it has since been thoroughly cleaned, fumigated, and is now back in use… by Donald J. Trump, who reportedly spends 14 hours a day in there just yelling “You’re welcome” at the furniture.
God Bless America.