As First Re-Election Promise, DeSantis Ends Abortion in Florida

It’s been quite a wild ride for reelected Florida governor Ron DeSantis.  After month following month of ridiculous advertisements on television, many featuring his wife and family that became utterly unbearable, he managed to squeak out a win over Democratic opponent Charlie Crist in a purple state that became fairly red after Trump shit there.

Today, after his much-publicized battle with Disney, his ejection of undocumented people to Martha’s Vineyard using Biden money sent for the pandemic, and a dozen other moves that made him a Flea Party darling, DeSantis completely eliminated abortion across the state.

Internet investigative reporter and former sexy dancer Sandra Batt was in the audience at Florida’s prestigious Hairball Sanctuary Cat Groomer’s for the full scoop.

“Abortion is now a non-starter,” exclaimed the victorious shitbag.  “So I’ve outlawed it.  Anyone performing any kind of abortive procedure or looking to get one will be executed on sight.  Period.  That’s it.”

Critics of the conservative governor say that this announcement is far too harsh and that the governor may have been morning-drunk when giving it.  Such action is common in the DeSantis household.

However, the Emperor of the Sunshine state doubled down during the announcement, adding more plans to his two-year agenda before he becomes President.

“Women need to realize that they are second class citizens, and exist only for blowjobs and sammiches.  I will eliminate their ability to vote and walk outside without being fully covered.  Gay people will no longer exist in the state after my newly formed gulag is ready.  And absolutely no weed.  Suffer, patriots.”

It sounds like DeSantis will brook no nonsense in his state.  If only we had more like him.