In what experts are calling “the greatest scam since gas station sushi,” leaked documents reveal that Joe Biden authorized a $7 billion payment to Bill Gates for the COVID-19 vaccine—despite knowing full well that it didn’t work.
However, as further review of the documents shows, there was one major catch:
The vaccine only didn’t work for people who refused to take it.
The Billion-Dollar Deal
According to whistleblower Joe Barron, a former low-level White House aide whose official title was “Assistant Undersecretary of Beverage Temperature Regulations,” the deal between Biden and Gates was sealed in a dimly lit Denny’s booth at 3 AM over a plate of lukewarm hash browns.
“They knew,” Barron whispered dramatically. “They KNEW it wouldn’t work for people who never got the shot. And yet… they did nothing.”
When asked why the government would spend $7 billion on a vaccine that functioned perfectly for those who received it but did absolutely nothing for those who refused it, Barron sighed deeply and muttered:
“Follow the money, man. Follow the money.”
Gates’ Master Plan?
Leaked emails between Biden and Gates—which were somehow both encrypted and written entirely in Comic Sans—suggest that Bill Gates personally reassured Biden that the vaccine was “extremely effective, except in the exact cases where it wasn’t taken.”
The emails also contained several unexplained references to Microsoft Clippy, suggesting the animated assistant may have played a critical role in vaccine negotiations.
“I see you’re trying to prevent a pandemic,” Clippy reportedly said in one email. “Would you like help?”
Gates, who was seen grinning suspiciously while counting stacks of money in his Seattle lair, denied all allegations, stating:
“The vaccine works. It has always worked. It will continue to work… except, of course, for those who never took it. We simply can’t explain that scientific mystery.”
The Aftermath
Despite the revelations, the Biden administration has refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing.
Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre held a conference where she was asked about the issue, to which she responded by staring blankly for 45 seconds before sprinting out of the room.
Meanwhile, prominent vaccine skeptics are claiming vindication, demanding to know why the vaccine failed to work in their bodies, even though they never received a single dose.
“I never got the jab, and I still got COVID!” shouted one angry protester. “What does that tell you?”
Scientists attempting to explain how vaccines work were immediately shouted down by an audience of people wearing “Do Your Own Research” T-shirts.
Final Thoughts
With Biden’s approval rating slipping and Bill Gates laughing all the way to the bank, one thing is clear:
If you don’t take the vaccine, it definitely won’t work for you.
Meanwhile, Joe Barron has announced he’s working on an in-depth exposé on how seatbelts “mysteriously” only save the lives of people who actually wear them.
Stay tuned, America.