WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senator Bernie Sanders has officially received a $44 million grant from USAID to conduct an in-depth study on the potential benefits of Democratic Socialism in the United States. While some assumed the funds would be allocated toward policy research or economic modeling, Sanders instead embarked on a series of bizarre and wildly impractical experiments—all in the name of “fairness.”
The Research Projects
1. The Great Grocery Store Redistribution Experiment
In an effort to ensure that everyone had equal access to food, Sanders’ team entered a local Whole Foods and proceeded to seize and redistribute groceries in the most socialist way possible.
- Customers who had carts filled with expensive organic produce were forced to hand over half their groceries to others in the store.
- A man trying to buy just a single avocado was told he had to split it with eight other customers to ensure fair access.
- Shoppers who had purchased almond milk were interrogated to determine if they truly needed a dairy alternative or if they were just “bourgeois posers.”
The experiment was cut short after store security escorted Sanders’ team out, but not before Bernie declared, “No one should have more kombucha than their neighbor!”
2. The “Equal Housing for All” Initiative
To research affordable housing solutions, Sanders decided to conduct a radical new experiment: forcing people to swap homes at random.
- A Wall Street CEO living in a Manhattan penthouse was forcibly relocated to a one-bedroom apartment in Cleveland.
- Meanwhile, a struggling artist from Brooklyn was handed the keys to a 15,000-square-foot mansion in the Hamptons, which he promptly filled with “government-approved, publicly funded expressionist art.”
- Bernie himself moved into a socialist commune in Vermont, only to leave a week later after discovering that he was expected to “wash dishes just like everybody else.”
After multiple complaints, the program was scrapped, and all participants were returned to their original homes—except for one hedge fund manager who refused to leave his rent-controlled trailer, citing “superior grilling opportunities.”
3. Free Haircuts for the Proletariat
Sanders, long critical of capitalist excess, attempted to prove that luxury services could be provided to all citizens equally. His solution? Government-mandated free haircuts.
To test this theory, Sanders hired a team of unpaid interns (who were not trained in hairdressing) and set up free barber stations in Times Square.
- The first 100 customers received identical bowl cuts to ensure fairness.
- One man asked for a fade but was told that fades were “elitist.”
- A woman requested layers but was denied because “layers are capitalist stratification.”
The program was abruptly canceled after dozens of traumatized participants claimed they were now forced to wear hats indefinitely.
What’s Next?
With most of the $44 million mysteriously unaccounted for, Sanders announced plans for a “People’s Investigation” into where the money went. However, an anonymous whistleblower has already suggested that a large portion of the funds were spent on** bulk orders of mittens and an industrial-sized soup pot** for Bernie’s personal use.
In a press conference, Sanders defended his research, saying: “Is it perfect? No. But is it fair? Also no. But we tried, and that’s what matters.”