It’s the classic American success story: A humble bartender from the Bronx steps into Congress with nothing but a dream and a slogan about taxing the rich—and just a few short years later, she’s sitting on a cool $25 million.
Yes, that’s right. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, champion of the working class, has somehow amassed a multimillion-dollar fortune while spending most of her time tweeting about inequality and giving fiery speeches about how billionaires shouldn’t exist.
How Did She Do It?
Well, if you ask her supporters, it’s because she’s a financial genius who made brilliant investments in socially responsible, worker-friendly, climate-conscious stocks.
If you ask Republican lawmakers, it’s because she’s got her hands deep in shady congressional perks, book deals, and—of course—the Soros money pipeline.
And if you ask AOC herself, she’ll tell you that she has no idea how this happened and that she’s just as shocked as everyone else.
“Honestly, I don’t even check my bank account,” AOC reportedly told MSNBC. “I just let my money work for me, and somehow it keeps multiplying. I don’t know. Math is weird.”
The Secret to Her Wealth
So, where did the money actually come from? An investigation by Art Tubolls at the Department of Government Oversight and Ethics (DOGE) has revealed several possible sources:
- Massive speaking fees for telling college students that capitalism is bad—while collecting five figures per speech.
- Exclusive deals with major publishers for books that nobody actually reads but still manage to sell millions of copies to bulk-buying “educational initiatives.”
- A side hustle selling “Tax the Rich” merch—which, ironically, is manufactured by a company that doesn’t pay taxes.
- A surprise inheritance from a distant Bolivian oil baron uncle that she “totally forgot she had.”
But the biggest money-maker? Congress itself. Turns out, when you sit on committees that regulate industries, investing in those same industries just before major legislation passes is a really lucrative strategy.
Of Course, There’s an Explanation
Once the story broke, AOC’s spokesperson, Joe Barron, rushed to clarify that there’s nothing to see here.
“It’s deeply misleading to suggest that Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez has personally benefited from her time in office,” Barron stated. “Most of her net worth is tied up in community initiatives, progressive causes, and, of course, her ethically sourced designer wardrobe.”
When pressed further, Barron admitted that a portion of the fortune is simply the result of “manifesting abundance” through positive thinking.
“If conservatives spent less time complaining and more time visualizing wealth,” he said, “maybe they, too, could achieve success.”
What’s Next?
As of now, no official investigation is planned, because as we all know, Democrats investigating other Democrats is about as likely as AOC trading in her Tesla for a used Ford Focus.
So, while she continues lecturing America about income inequality from her multimillion-dollar apartment, the rest of us can only dream of one day being as financially oppressed as she is.
God Bless America.