WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking display of judicial defiance, Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett has refused to comply with a lawful audit conducted by the Department of Governmental Examinations (DOGE), an obscure agency whose existence is largely unknown and whose authority is questionable at best.
The audit, described by experts as “mostly pointless but technically binding,” was ordered as part of DOGE’s new “Random Integrity Verification Program,” in which public officials are chosen through a complex system involving a dartboard, a Magic 8-Ball, and a raccoon named Jerry. Unfortunately for Barrett, the first-ever selection landed squarely on her name.
“Justice Barrett’s refusal to submit to a completely arbitrary yet totally lawful review of her personal and professional affairs is deeply concerning,” said DOGE spokesperson Linda Finkelstein, adjusting her clip-on tie. “If she has nothing to hide, why is she resisting? What is she afraid we’ll find? Missing receipts? A forgotten library book? An illegal collection of miniature spoons?”
Barrett’s Baffling Defenses
In an impromptu press conference held outside a Pottery Barn, Barrett made it clear that she would not be participating in the audit. “As a Supreme Court Justice, I am immune to this nonsense,” she stated. “Also, I just don’t feel like it.”
Legal analysts were stunned by her justification, which included:
- Judicial Immunity, But Also Vibes: Barrett claimed that Supreme Court Justices operate in a “transcendent legal dimension” where audits simply do not apply.
- The Law of Uno Reverse Cards: When presented with DOGE’s official subpoena, Barrett dramatically pulled an Uno Reverse card from her sleeve and whispered, “Not today.”
- The “Finders Keepers” Clause: According to an interpretation of an 1803 case she personally discovered on a napkin, any public official who has held office for “a decent while” gets to keep their job, no questions asked.
- “My Dog Ate the Subpoena”: Barrett insisted that her golden retriever, Mr. Wiggles, devoured the subpoena before she had a chance to read it, rendering it null and void. When pressed for evidence, she provided a crayon drawing of Mr. Wiggles looking guilty.
DOGE’s Futile Attempts to Enforce the Audit
Despite Barrett’s refusal, DOGE has remained firm in its insistence that she comply. However, their enforcement options are, as one insider put it, “extremely limited and mostly imaginary.”
“We sent a strongly worded email,” said DOGE’s lead investigator, Todd Blinkman. “Then we followed up with a certified letter that included a frowny face sticker to indicate our disappointment. If she continues to resist, our next step is—well, honestly, we don’t know. We might just sigh loudly and hope she feels bad.”
When asked what would happen if Barrett continued to ignore the audit, Blinkman shrugged. “Worst case scenario, we escalate to the highest possible consequence: a public statement calling her ‘deeply uncooperative.’”
At press time, Barrett remained steadfast in her refusal, releasing a formal statement written in Comic Sans that read simply: “No.”