In what is being called “a rare win for American infrastructure” (kind of), the federal government has announced that $40 million worth of construction materials—originally destined for a country so obscure that even CIA analysts had to Google it—will instead be redirected to North Carolina.
However, upon closer inspection, it turns out $37.9 million of that will go directly to Elon Musk’s companies. Why? Unclear. But it’s happening.
North Carolina Gets (a Tiny Bit of) What It Asked For
The state had been begging for federal assistance to repair roads, bridges, and critical infrastructure for years, only to be told there was “no room in the budget.” But after someone in Washington finally noticed millions in materials were being shipped to “Zambolivia” (which doesn’t actually exist), officials abruptly reversed course.
“We decided North Carolina could have it,” said Deputy Infrastructure Secretary Joe Barron. “Well, not all of it. Most of it ended up with Musk, but that’s just how these things go.”
Where the Money Is Actually Going
Out of the $40 million originally allocated, here’s how things shook out:
- $37.9 million – Redirected to various Elon Musk enterprises, including SpaceX, Tesla, The Boring Company, and a mysterious new venture called ‘Infrastructure X’ that was registered two days ago.
- $1.8 million – Set aside for government oversight panels to investigate how this happened, which will produce zero answers and zero consequences.
- $300,000 – What’s left for North Carolina to repair 17 bridges, 53 miles of highway, and a water treatment plant.
Why Musk? No One Knows.
When asked why the vast majority of the materials were funneled to Musk, federal officials gave no clear explanation. Some possibilities include:
- He asked for it, and the government just kind of said yes.
- A clerical error accidentally listed North Carolina as “Elon Musk’s Checking Account.”
- Someone in Congress confused him with a federally recognized disaster area.
- Musk called President Biden and simply stated, “Mine now.”
What’s Musk Doing With It?
While Musk has remained vague about what he’ll do with the unexpected windfall, early reports suggest the materials could be used for:
- A new Tesla factory that will “totally be built in North Carolina” (but will ultimately end up in Texas).
- A Hyperloop tunnel in Los Angeles, despite no one asking for one.
- A secret Mars-related project that will receive no further explanation.
North Carolina Shrugs and Moves On
Despite getting pennies on the dollar, North Carolina officials are pretending to be grateful.
“We’ll make it work,” said one exhausted local official. “I mean, we won’t, but we’ll say we will.”
Meanwhile, Musk tweeted simply: “Thanks for the bricks. Watch this space.”